I can’t stop.
Have you ever heard of how sharks respiration system works? Let me explain it to you.
No, wait, i didnt mean that. Dont think I think you are ignorant or something. I dont want you to think i think that.
I will just tell you a fact about sharks for if you didnt know already.
Sharks must be in constant movement so that water passes over the gill's membranes and tiny blood vessels extract oxygen from the water. That’s how they won’t drown. And… yes, that’s pretty much me. In some point of my life, I’ve turned into a shark.

The constant sound of moving cars and the way subways make the earth where im standing on shake and people talking about sex and death and drugs and love and life make my blood rush so fast inside my veins I don’t get hungry, I don’t get depressed. My cells go faster, it keeps my head busy. It’s red.
It feels red and it’s so red inside of me.
I wish I could find a balance. I wish there was also green and yellow and violet and orange and blue. But…instead my eyes see everything like when you were little and grandma took you to the movies watch a 3D film and they gave you these blue and red glasses, and you wanted to know what happened if you only looked with both eyes through one of the lens. Well, I guess I’ve chosen to look through the red one.
Red is better than blue, I guess.
Anger is better than grief,
better than pain,
better than tears.
Passion, love, war, desperation, rage. If you let me dry under the sun’s rays, like you’d do with water soaking clothes you’ve just taken out the washing machine,you’d only find left those 5 feelings. You’d mainly find out I'm rageful. I am so filled with rage. I think I could scream forever. I want to break things. I want to break things I want to shatter them I wish I could shatter my thoughts; I really want to shatter my thoughts and hear them break. I wish I could grab them like china cups and throw them against a wall but how the hell do you grab something that’s invisible? I can’t give them faces I can’t give them names. I call them demons and I know there’s a small portion of humanity that has tried all along these years to create and discover spells and witchcraft to send demons to parallel universes.
Guess what, I can’t seem to send mine to another dimension. I can’t draw diabolic stars on the floor or lock myself inside a salt circle or catch them inside a pentagram I can’t. No one else sees them because they aren’t really there, are they?
Im going insane,
insane,
insane.
Shut up.
Just shut shut up shut up shut up shut up.
They’ll hear you shut up.

I am red. I am Passion.
I am Love and war and desperation.
I am Rage.
I am red.The problem is when it turns grey, it gets so quiet and...quiet is dangerous.
Quiet isn't good.
I think I think too much. That's why that small hometown I spent my childhood in is so dangerous: it's so quiet in there. It makes me scared. I hate it there, I hate those streets, I hate those faces.
I'd rather it not to be quiet. I dont like it quiet ‘cause quiet isn’t even... blue. It’s grey.
It’s getting dark.
It's funny. It echoes.

The things I'd normally do in the past have just… turned too much
...too much. And every single thing i used to do regularly suddenly turned into a big deal.
Maybe the posture I adopted while refilling my bottle today at 10:36am wasn't feminine enough. I know it was 10:36am as I checked on my watch before leaving so that I woulnd’t take more than 2 minutes. It took me 1 and a half. I always try not staying any longer than 2 minutes when I go outside the classroom, especially when I go to the bathroom. What would my classmates think Im doing if I took longer than that? Sometimes checking my teeth on the mirror just to make sure there is nothing between them takes longer than expected. But it takes even longer when I triple-check them after coming back from lunch. What if I did have something on my teeth while I was ordering my food but my tongue has now made them clean again? Maybe they didn't notice. Maybe the guy who took down my food didn't notice my teeth and my classmates didn’t suspect I was doing anything else but washing my hands when I spent 3 minutes in the bathroom instead of 2.
I really hope they didn’t notice.
Of course, why would any of them notice? Why would they even think of me? That was self-centric. I must stop thinking the world turns around me. I mean, I don’t think the world turns around me, I just don’t want you to think I think it does.
Ugh, forget it.

The way I stood in the school sports row while waiting for my turn to kick the ball; with both hands inside my jogging pockets. That wasn’t feminine either. Ugh, that idea stalking on me again. It’s driving me crazy. Why does it look cool when girls in my class do it?
Maybe it is not because I think i look fat or overweighted, but because i think I could be skinnier. And it's not about fat, it's not about an eating disorder though the mere idea of it being an eating disorder drives me to a mental disorder. Maybe it's not about the two gym classes I could finish today but about the last one I couldn't. Or maybe it isnt even that. Maybe it's just that I didn't push myself to the limit the way I always push myself to the limit. Maybe it's about the 7th weight I always add on my spinning bike when the professor tells us to only add 5. Maybe anxiety is when my best friend lays her head on my shoulder and I try not to breathe too deeply or make any sudden move; she may think I’m shaking her off. Or not wanting to lay my head on her shoulder just for the simple fact that it could weigh too much. Cause it's always about that.
It weighs too much. It's always pushing yourself a little farther, a little further.
Running 35 minutes when I've been told to only run 30. And I've always been like this.
Maybe I just am not strong enough.
The same way I wasn't strong enough to run the 5 minutes extra I should have ran on the gym today but couldn’t as my throat started to get scratchy and my legs ached so much i could feel them burning. Running feels good, although the last time I ran those 30 minutes I should have speed up to 9 instead of maintaining in 8.5. That was slow. It made me feel weak. Nevermind, tomorrow I'll just take the advanced class. And the following to that one. Its pretty much like the chocolate I ate today after dinner, tomorrow I'll just skip lunch. Maybe my anxiety also comes from what I had for breakfast, or for lunch and dinner. Maybe It's the fact that I had all of them what makes me anxious.
Running slow reminded me to that moment today when I took an extra minute than I usually do when putting my credit card back into my wallet and the woman behind me wanted to order. She didn’t even look at me. When people don’t look at you in the eyes must mean there’s something wrong. It must mean I’ve done something wrong.
Which is weird. ‘Cause I almost never look anyone in the eye and I am not upset I’m just-
Anxious, I guess.

I should have signed the plastic paper faster not to make that woman upset.I should go fasterI must go faster. But I am never fast enough, things never go fast enough, my feet never move fast enough. I’m not trying hard enough- Today I tried my best to talk to the girl who helps my family out at home when I asked her as polite as i could whether she could clean my room’s windows, I'm afraid it could have sound rude. But it couldn't have sound rude if i talked in such a silly voice tone, could it? I didn't mean to sound silly or stupid. I don't want anyone to think I'm stupid. I'm intelligent I swear.
I should do better. If I was as intelligent as i think myself to be, then why didn't do better at that maths test? I should have done better. I could have done better cause i'm better. I'm better than this and I'm better than that stupid girl who believes herself to be better than me. Im so much better.
Baring my teeth.
Lets get fast again.

Not pushing myself to the limit makes me incredibly anxious.
You have no idea how anxious it makes me.

Anxious.
Anxious.
You know what also makes me anxious? The fact that meeting new people isn't a problem. Cause I've done research about my symptoms and meeting new people should feel like drowning; it should be a problem. It would fit with my profile; with the anxiety profile. But I do not suffer from meeting new people.
I've worked on not thinking they care what i do, but let's double check everything in the mirror before talking to them. Let's not breathe too hard or open my mouth too much when speaking; saliva particles might fall on them. Jesus, that would be so embarrassing. So embarrassing. That would make me want to die.
What would have they thought afterwards?
My research doesn’t say anything about this.
This was not on the papers.

And hell, I've done research. Maybe if meeting new people doesn't apply to what I call anxiety, then what is it that i have? What is wrong with me?
What is wrong with me?

Grabbing my necklace, chewing my lips. Some things make it better. My friends make it better. Beautiful things make it better.
I like high places. I like tall buildings and standing on the top of a bridge when cars are going under. I like plane views at night. City lights make me feel at ease.
I like kaleidoscopes. I’ve got a collection of them.
I enjoy getting drunk, I don’t really think that much when I’m under alcohol’s magical effects.

I should have said that differently. If I was so angry why didn't I scream? Why didn't I react the way I wanted to? That makes me frustrated. So frustrated.
The day you told me I should stop loving you so much, that we should love each other a little less i said id rather die. And i kind of did.It should have hurt more. And even though I thought i wouldn't make it, I'm sure it hurt him more than it hurt me. I deserve double, triple pain for it. It should have hurt longer. It's not fair for him.
I'm so sorry.
I am so so so sorry to everyone I’ve ever hurt. Or disappointed. You didn’t sign for this.
Im just so sorry.
And that thing I said to mom 6 months ago, let's think about that.
Let's talk about the coffee episode at Starbucks.
But hiding stuff under the stairs or around the corner doesn't make the room clean.
It just makes it look tidy, you know, for the guests.