I wrote my introduction article a few minutes ago, but I wanted to post something else. It might seem a bit strange to post something this personal, but perhaps it might be good to share it and maybe even helpful for others. I don't know, but we'll see.

I'm going to be very honest and I'll tell you my story. Barely anyone knows the things that I'll be talking about, because I like to keep this part of me private and also because I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me or feel annoyed or anything. I'm telling this story here, because I hope it will help others and also myself as well, if that makes any sense.

Yesterday marked the 5th "anniversary" of my mother's death. My mother died when I was 12 years old. I can remember that day in detail and it often replays in my mind. How I cycled home on that Monday afternoon, the moment I saw the ambulances, the neighbour telling me what happened, going to my friends house until my grandmother would come and get me. I remember all of it. That day changed me, mentally, but mostly emotionally. I am emotionally broken.

I cry very easily. I could be watching tv and someone dies, a baby is born, a dog runs away, someone gets married etc, this will lead me to cry. I can't help it, I just do. This does not mean I'm a crybaby or whatever you want to call it. I'm basically still grieving. Or at least I think(I'm more or less self diagnosing). The thing is I didn't actually cry a lot when my mom actually died. I suppose I may have held it in.

Anyway, very often I will get moments when I just want to cry, for no particular reason. Then something else happened. In 2015 my grandmother got sick. Even though she was in the hospital for quite some time and did go home after a while, we thought it wasn't anything to serious. Until we got a phone call on Christmas Eve, telling us she only had a few more days to live. We flew home (from our family in Northern Ireland) after Christmas and went straight to the hospital. That was the last time I talked to her and saw her, because I really couldn't handle seeing her again, knowing I would have to say goodbye again. It was too painful. That night, when we got home, I broke down while talking to my dad. I couldn't lose another important person in my life. I think at that moment, all of the emotions cropped inside of me since my mother's death, just came out. I cried for hours that night and literally couldn't stop. Again, when she died on 5th of January, I didn't shed a tear. Basically, I started keeping my feelings inside of me again.

Last New Years, I didn't want to go to the party we (my dad, brother and I) were planning to go to, because for some reason I just felt down and it was just one of those "I need to cry" days. After a lot of consideration, my dad allowed me stay at home. I was just relaxing, watching tv and I went to bed reasonably early. Of course, i didn't go to sleep, so I decided to call my dad at twelve o'clock to wish him a happy New Year. Out of nowhere, I started crying and once again I couldn't stop. I was having another breakdown. My dad came home early and we talked for a few hours until I stopped crying again.

Whilst reading this, perhaps you might think I'm depressed or something.And no, I don't think I am. Honestly, I'm very happy and I love my life (it could always get better ;) ). I have wonderful friends, who have there when I needed them and can make me laugh anytime. I'm also always there when my friends need them and I will always listen if they need me to. Unfortunately, I am also a girl who has cried herself to sleep and keep things bottled up, because I don't want to bother anyone. I can be very quiet, but I'm also up for a party anytime. There are many more things that people don't know about me and I suppose that's good, but I'm starting to realise that I need to talk and let things out before I have another breakdown, because I don't want to keep crying for the rest of my life.

Okay, I should reallllllly end this. This is a verrrrry long and messy article and most people will have stopped reading it. I kind of lost track in a few places. Anyway, I'm not writing this so people will feel sorry for me, that's the last thing I want, but I just kinda want to share my story, as a start of talking about things instead of bottling them up. Perhaps, there are others who have similar stories or feelings and if you'd like to talk, I would be happy to. I hope this article made some sense and thanks for sticking with me to the end, this really is way too long.

xx