I’ve been thinking about my life. My choices. Not that I am some old lady and I can talk about my life, but my life so far. I had so much fear in me. Fear of rejection, of being the outsider, of being alone, to talk about me, my feelings. I grew up in a small town in Greece, where most of the time everything is quiet and especially in my neighborhood. I was raised by two lovely people, my mom and dad and I always had my sister to keep me company. Even when we were fighting. But I was so scared, such a lonely kid, especially when we moved to another city and I had to change school. I couldn’t fit in. I don’t know if it was only my problem, it definitely was, but I think it was something else too. I don’t really know yet. I hope I find out some day.
I love my parents, let me clear that, but I believe that all of this happened because of them. My father had, he still has, problems to communicate. To open his heart to other people. Every time that he hugged me I felt that awkward feeling that he had. His mother, my grandmother, she never learned how to show her love. She didn’t know and that’s why my father does the same. He has a small improvement, yes, but he can’t erase the moments that are stacked in my head. All I can remember is my father coming home from work and just sitting in our big armchair and watch all the news on television, but not really watching, just sitting there thinking about work, mistakes, life, choices, I don’t even know. He was holding his head like it’s going to explode and having a grumpy face. He was never listening to me, ever. I was talking to him, I was asking him questions and he didn’t even listen. I felt so rejected by my own father. Like I didn’t even count. He had his own problems, I get it now. But it was really difficult to understand that as a kid. And I’m not sure, even if I understand him now. I know he loves me. I also knew it back then. But it was my mother who stood for me when I needed it.
I love my mother. Very much. I can forgive her because of those simple, but not really, things. When she came from work, she always said “hi”, she hugged me and I was feeling the love, how much she loved me, she served food to me and my sister, she was always there to talk to and she was actually listening, she was always there when I had an illness, she was everywhere in my life. Present. Yes, she made mistakes. Maybe she could have handle the situation a little better, but if she couldn’t wouldn’t she? If she could she would have done it differently. Life doesn’t come with instructions and that is unfortunate. But what can you do? My logic says that, of course, it’s her fault too and I understand that. But my heart says otherwise. Because of all the above reasons. Besides, she was trying to raise my sister and I the best she could.
So, I was wondering that if I feel this way about my parents, about myself because of my parents, then how does a kid who has been a victim of violence or been abused by their own parents or step-parents feel? Huh? Oh my god, I can’t even think the amount of pain. I don’t want to know. Those kids, those people they feel shit about themselves. They feel unworthy. They feel like it’s their fault that they have been abused and they are ashamed of their selves. As a result they don’t talk, they don’t say the truth, not even to themselves. It’s very difficult to overcome something like that. The label; “raped”, “sexually abused”. This reminds me one of my favorite shows, 13 Reasons Why. The protagonist girl got raped and sidelined from the other kids, not because the rape part but because other things, and then she was feeling alone, so she thought that she had no way out. So she killed herself. But before she did she recorded 13 tapes, 13 reasons why she did it. She committed suicide because she couldn’t handle, she couldn’t deal with the fact that she was raped. The fact that nobody was there for her, not even her parents. She was alone.
I feel so sorry about those people, I don’t feel pity don’t get me wrong, but I’m trying to imagine the amount of pain and the difficulty to overcome something so big like that. When I was in my dark times, say actually years, I had thought to take my life. But I didn’t do it. Because I knew that it was not worth it. I wasn’t given this life to waste it. I came here to leave something to this world while I’m leaving, to leave a legacy. To grow old and die, to make a great family with a lots of kids and when I’ll be an old lady and do a flashback of my life I’ll smile. This is why I didn’t do it. I believed in hope. And look at me now, tapping the keyboard and writing this article happy as ever.
So, if you’re having any issue that makes you sad and causes you so much pain that you want this pain to end. Please, remember that I’ve been there, many people have been there but they’re still here, fighting, so you can do it too. Just believe in yourself, talk about it and trust hope. Suicide is NOT an option!
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The last picture is in greek and says; ''If you ever thought to commit suicide but you're still alive, then you're the strongest one from the people who put you in this position''.
-Love, Filio