i feel energy
rising through my body
'lets go for an adventure,
waste some money,
live life'
i plan to myself

when that moment comes
i stop
i contemplate life
'do i really deserve the money,
being spent on myself,
the wasted hours of being happy'

and i cancel plans,
not socialise with anyone

and i sit at home thinking
'why waste all the time,
planing if i keep canceling'

and i regret the times i said no.

but i do this all the time
and i don't know what to do.