Here's the deal.
Besides life being tragic and sucky, I also just plain hate myself. I'm never nice enough, pretty enough, thin enough, there's always something wrong with me whether it's how I acted or something I'm wearing, saying, doing. Basically, I'm all wrong. I overthink everything, I read, I write, I analyze. I can't sleep.
No joke, I've taken liquid ZzzQuil every night for 2 bottles, so what... 2 weeks? I've also taken Ex Lax every night for the past 9 nights. Tonight would be 10, but let's just... stop doing that.
I just want to fade away. But I can't do that because human beings don't just evaporate, no matter how much they want to.
I don't have friends (ok I can name 3). I'm trying to deal with the latest life has thrown at me, which is the WORST yet.
Everyone has always told me, my entire life "It'll get better."
Parent's split? It'll get better. Fatal car accident? It'll get better. Dad's in jail? It'll get better. Mom's boyfriend is an asshole? It'll get better. Another death in the family? It'll get better. A car accident? A motorcycle accident? Another motorcycle accident, this time fatal? Your boyfriend moves 12 hrs away? It'll get...
Worse. Don't lie to me any-f**king-more.
If you want to make me feel better, take me somewhere fun.
Don't give me false hope. Don't let me believe life is only sometimes hard and so beautiful and amazing the rest of the time.
Do you know how hard I have to TRY to find... not happiness, but calm? Contentedness? How must easier it is to just isolate myself, quit my jobs, lock myself in my room? I wish.
Nooooooooo you people expect me to just suffer through it.
Sure I've just had bad luck, well not me, maybe just everyone around me. Shit happens? Keep calm and carry on?
Feed me your cliches and I will go to bed full because there are so many.
Be happy/think positive/stay alive/get out more/distract your mind. I've heard them all. I have yet to find something that works, besides Lexapro of course.
Some people are thrown so much crap in life and yet have such a strong will to live.
Yeah. That's not me.
All this time, my hatred toward life was just that- directed toward life.
Now I direct it toward myself. I don't deserve it, but I've gone mad and Life isn't a person you can dump sh*t on, but you can dump plenty on yourself. It's easy.
Hate your nose and call yourself fat. Convince yourself you are not worthy and nothing good will ever happen to you, that you won't have a bright future. Life has beaten you down and you're how old? Young. Young enough to have hope, but old enough to know better.

Disclaimer: picture is not me.