I'm never sure where to really begin so I'll do my best to make it simple. I did something I knew in my heart would not be have a happy ending. You see, I am forever an optimist and a hoper of dreams coming true, but that is not life. Your heart will get broken countless times and you will be let down, or you will let someone down, or perhaps you will constantly search for a fault in yourself or others. And that is where I am at now.
You see I fell for a boy. A boy I knew I could never have, yet I hoped anyway. I only hope when I tell you that you will not judge me. I fell for my brothers best friend. I am 19, he is 23. You could say this started as a friendship as I have known him for years. And only in the last 2 years have I truly thought of him as attractive. And of course we began talking over a year ago.
We started off just texting throughout our day. I suppose you could say we just spoke each others language. As we are both people of few words, it surprised us both how easy a conversation flowed and just never stopped. Even on quiet days, we just enjoyed the thoughts of the other. Within maybe a month or 2 he made it clear he had considered us dating at some point which truly took me by surprised. I mean no one I ever like ever really reciprocates my feelings. And let me tell you this guy is attractive. I am most definitely not. So in my mind this would just never work. Until that day. Months passed by and we were both very open about how we felt with each other. However, we never became anything more than friends and I will tell you why. There was concern from him as to how my family would react, he wanted to wait until we were both older, he didn't want to "deprive" me of meeting some other great guy as I was beginning college. It made no sense in my mind. There seemed to be many days where these reasons bothered me more than others. I started to not feel good enough. I have always struggled with self image, as has most or all girls somewhere in the past.
However, even though these feelings surfaced, they always seemed to be pushed aside by the feelings I got when he was kind, reassuring, and caring. So these two sides of me often fought back and forth. Was I worth someone's time? Or was I not good enough?
If I could show you all he did for me I would. Because I cannot deny that he was always there when I needed him, and hopefully is. Sometimes he told me what I needed to hear, he offered kind words when needed, he was my best friend.
But of course this is about heartbreak.
A month ago. He made a choice. He decided it would be better for both of us if we stopped focusing on each other and talking everyday and acted like friends. I really struggled with this. I still do. This is when I feel like I'm just not enough to meet his "high standards" perhaps. He told me it was because of him. He didn't want to end up blaming me for the things he didn't do. I'm never one to buy that bullshit.
So now it has been a month. We talk occasionally, but its not the same. We don't talk about our issues, struggles, nightmares, goals, dreams, day, or anything much else. We were never a couple yet this "breakup" hurts the most.
I still love that Idiot and probably always will. Even when I hate him or I'm mad or hurt or anything else.
But I think the most important thing is that I learned something from him.
Never put all your eggs in one basket until you're married. No one will be a constant in your life unless they're family.
You may be happy to know that I am still slowly trying to see past him and into my next hopeful relationship. A relationship where no one has all the power like he did.
So to all the girls and guys out there going through ANYTHING remotely similar to this issue please just help yourself move on. Be healthy. Be happy. Love others. And don't ever give a shit about what anyone thinks.