Yesterday I had my first car crash, I guess it's something you really can't avoid after you get your drivers license, if you drive...sooner or later you'll crash. I wasn't the culprit, and I couldn't have avoided the crash at all. I was alone too, since, well, I usually like to drive alone. After I left the car I was shaking non-stop like I hadn't done in a very long time.
Shortly after everything was taken care of, and the night continued. I knew I wouldn't get much sleep in that night, but somehow I fell asleep despite my heart beating like a fucking hammer. And I didn't just fall asleep, no, I had a dream. I was in my couch, and you were right by my side, but it wasn't a memory -- we were starting over, we were talking about how insane this year had been without each other, how we went different paths, met different people, how we did completely different things, but we still ended up there, in my couch. And in that moment...I completely forgot I had a car crash, it was like it never happened, I could remember everything else that happened this year, but not the crash...My brain or subconscious knew I had to be calmed down so I could rest that night. And instead of placing me in a world where I was filthy rich or in a world where I had my dream job -- it took me to my house, to my couch, with you. You and I were sitting where exactly where we usually sat in that couch, and oh god, I was feeling such a bliss. My body knew that the place where I was more calm was with you, so it didn't remind me of a memory of us two, it instead tried to fool me that you were actually there.
But then, I woke up with only 4 hours of sleep, my heart was already racing again and the pain came back, not because of the crash, but because of you, because you're never in my god damn couch, you haven't been there for an year at least. I guess that even after 365 fucking days nothing changed and I guess it never will.
Just know that if I ever stop writing about you, it probably means I carved your name to my body with a tattoo.