It is complicated... I can be happy at school and laugh and smile and stuff.
When I get home I cry myself to sleep.
But why ?
How...
How I lost my priorities ?
How I lost my ambitions ?
How I lost my happiness ?
I just wish I could lay in my bed all night listening to music with christmas lights surronding me

Im overthinking, Im overreacting, I have OCD, anxiety, I have panic attacks.
I cry when I get a bad grade, I can laugh when I get a bad grade.
I can remind myself of something that Ive done 3 years that I regret. And cry.
I can blame myself for everything.
Im empty.
I can swear to myself.
I dont believe in my possibilities.
I hurt myself.
I can cry when tiny, annoying things happen.

I feel like Im full of fear. I feel like Im full of dreams.

I have a lot of worries, I always focus on bad things, but Im an optymist. How is that possible.

School.
I know that Im not smart enough.
Maybe I have good grades, but they cost me my mental health.
I can sit and study for 10 hours.
I can finish homework at 3am.
No matter how hard I work, I always fail, not in grades but in my health.
But I keep trying. And Im still failing.
I wish I could be more brave at school and speak up in class, but also I wish I could shut up and sit and just dissapear.

Im wondering what Im doing wrong in learning. I just cant find perfect study system.
Im stressed, I study a lot, I cry a lot, Im broken down a lot.
Sometimes I tell myself to stop. Just be yourself and stop caring so much about your past, school or your future. LIVE. NOW.

Dreams, talents, passions.
I love tennis. I wanna be a tennis player. But to be a tennis player I have to practice a lot. I cant because of school. I dont want to give up. But its hard. It gives me happiness and health.
I love singing but Im too shy to sing in front of people. Im afraid that Im going to die without anybody knowing about my singing passion.
Dreams. I love weheartit, I get a lot of inspiration ♥ I can express myself with pictures that I heart. And I know its bad, but I dream more than I live, cause Im afraid that my dreams in life can be ruined by me.

I know I can be happy from the little things. I love tiny stuff that makes me feel wonderful. But the thing is that they dont last forever. They last a little bit of time, so later I can cry again.

I dont like the way I look.
I dont like standing in front of more than 5 people.
I barely wear ponytails. I prefer my hair to cover my face. And thats because of my
eyebrows. I know we are living in the world of the internet, perfect outfit, look and money. I dont want to live like that. My eyebrows arent full enough I guess. But I dont want them to look like colouring book. So I leave them the way the are. They just bother me and I cant do anything with them.

I dont like the way I think.
I feel like my brain has 2 sides : one beautiful side and one dark side.
The beautiful side is filled with happiness, perfect landscapes, delicious breakafasts, woods, cities, space, galaxies, creativity, winter, autumn, oceans, music, christmas lights and funny things, colorful notes and quotes.
The dark one is hell because its filled with things that Ive done that I regret, chances that I didnt use, Things that I said, thought, saw, done. Its also full of death, dissapointment, stress, STUFF THAT I DONT WANT TO FOCUS ON.

My day has two sides.
One beautiful.
One dark.
I wish it could only have the first one.

If you have any problems. You can message me. I feel like I can understand peoples pain. Good night or day ♥

sad, quotes, and upset image