I probably haven't had the worst life ever and I'm so not here to complain but I do want to help raise awareness and share my story, free to click out and leave if that doesnt interest you, but if youre like me this might make you feel less alone

I've had anxiety since I was maybe 5 or 6 years old, it was passed down to me genetically by my mum who was and is also anxious. I remember getting in the car once from the primary when I was 6 and crying for hours for no reasons just because I was terrified but there was nothing scary there. When I was 7 I had my first ever meeting with a therapist. She was totally insane and didn't help at all, same with the next few before I found a good fit. To be honest I don't even think I ever found a good fit. Throughout my life I've seen maybe 10 different people and they'll all tell you the same thing. Breathe and sleep and eat and run and stop overthinking stuff.

That's basically how all of primary school went down. Very very scared most days when really I was like 6 and there's nothing for a 6 year old white girl to be afraid of in suburban catholic school. It wasn't until pretty recently that it started getting bad again.

I'll try not to bore you but this recent year and maybe the one before I would have maybe 3 panic attacks a week (i know right). I was visiting a brain center twice a week who attempted to alter the fight or flight response in my head using buzzers and wires and all the rest. I saw a therapist there, my local GP, and another therapist nearby the doctors office. I would meditate twice day, three times if needed. I'll admit to having rung into self-help lines and suicide prevention hotlines super frequently at this time just because it was another person to talk to, hell I still do. All these resources and I was still facing the hardest time of my life.

I had never been the type to contemplate suicide. Hell i used to be terrified of it, not gonna lie i still am. But part of me craves it, and thats the scariest part. One of the councillors I speak with at the suicide hotline says "teenagers who consider suicide don’t really want to die they just don’t know how to cope with the pain they are going through". I identify with this a lot and think thats the struggle i face everyday.

That's why I had to take matters into my own hands. I quit my job that had me crying for hours at just the thought of going in for a 3 hour shift. I cut out negative people in my social circles who weren't doing anything for my mental health. I started taking antidepressants which I'm still on today, as well as fish oil tablets, magnesium and assorted vitamins. I cut out caffeine, soda - even sugar for a while (a very short while unfortunately). I've read so many self help books the local library must adore me.

I took every single step imaginable to get better and today even thought i still have bad days, i still think about ending it, i still rely on therapists and family, im making big improvements. Life happens one step at a time, when facing a mental issue like this any tiny step is a massive change for us, be proud of that.

I refuse to let mental illness control me because life is too damn short. And that's what I wanna help you guys do too. I've added this article to a collection titled 'anxiety diaries' where ill constantly be adding resources for everyone facing the same thing as i do.