I sat by the window soaking in the sun and breathing in the dust particles spinning around the room.

It’s all you left me.

Your body is gone, but there are traces of you all around me. When I cleaned my hair brush out, pieces of your hair fell out too. The cup you used to rinse your mouth with after you brushed your teeth still had the prints of your lips. I couldn’t help to think how badly I wanted to be the one to trace the hundreds of thin lines that created the depth of your pink lush lips. I could have kissed them forever, but one day they tasted different and I couldn’t adapt to it.

On a Sunday after noon, I found the piece of the cross necklace your Abuela gave you under the couch. I wanted to call and tell you, but I forgot how to dial the phone.

I hope your Abuela is doing well.

My therapist told me to write a list of all the ways I am stronger without you.

I am not stronger without you.

I am the same.

Instead, I got drunk all alone on a Monday night and I saw the shadow of you dancing across the room. I woke up hungover on the bathroom floor. I ended up being late for work. On arrival our song played as my boss screamed at me. I wanted to take a personal day. I needed you to carry me to back to bed. When I got home, I took a bath with my clothes on because it felt like a hug. No one has hugged me in two months.

Against the wishes of my friends, I took our pictures out of my drawer. There were pinholes where your eyes used to be. I don’t remember doing that. I wish I didn’t. I needed to see your eyes; they were like swimming in the ocean.

I watched the clock strike midnight in disbelief that I made it through another day. Just like waking up, the realization of facing another day is ripped away and that second of quiet blissful feeling is gone without a trace. I waited all day for the right moment, but it’s too late now. I always say I’ll try again tomorrow, but I never do.

I’ve lost my mind again. I guess I should look for it, but instead I’m spitting blood because I bit my cheek to hard trying to remember if I said something stupid about you today. The anger I feel about you mixed with the anger I feel towards myself for losing you could ignite flames.