Date: 9/14/17 (Inspired by the book To All The Boys I've Loved Before by Jenny Han. My situation isn't love, it's a crush. I'm borrowing the letter-idea.)

I hate how it feels like you have some sort of effortless charm. You're average in looks, the lean type in build, and your personality can be a mess of funny, cool, asshole, weird things but, you somehow still have a charm that amazes me. We don't even talk much or hang out now, and yet for some reason while I'm walking home I suddenly think to myself, "I miss him?" Un-real. I was supposed to be over you a long time ago; this crush was due a long time ago! Heck, I've liked you in the entirety of grade four, then regained it in grade 6 and 7, then back again in grade 9— how are you doing this!

It's even worse for me that you're not even trying to be — I don't know — appealing, attractive, or whatever! It's somehow a natural charm! How! Why!

You know, to be honest, I wonder if you ever knew or found out that I had a crush on you. Actually, you probably don't remember this moment in elementary school because you have horrible memory, but the fact that I had a crush on you slipped out thanks to your best friend.

Lunch was about to end and we were crowded around the blue doors that opened to the basketball court. M was behind you, shaking your shoulders while he was asking me, "do you like this guy? You like this guy, right?" That day I was kind of getting over you, but I accidentally made my words sound super harsh when I replied with, "he's dead to me." Frankly, I used that because I heard it from somewhere and it sounded cool. That, and I'm not the one who would be all sad or blushy-blush when something like my crush being admitted aloud is made.

You were wearing a smirk, I think, and I don't think you heard me. Oh, right, that smirk took part in making me say what I said. (By the way, your smirk has a terrible affect on... me. Or maybe anyone else. It's like the one you see in movies, or anime/manga on the "cool, mysterious" guy. Irritatingly attractive!!! Why!!!)

Dude, there were so many memories I had, but you probably don't think of them as some. Heck, I bet a hundred dollars— no, a thousand that you don't frickin' remember, haha!

Lemme say one more. ... Two more. We were versing each other in badminton during the after school sports club. You were a really great player, but I think you were taking it easy on me... Were you? Cuz that's not nice, I wanted to verse the you who went all out. The one who inspired me to challenge you because I haven't versed someone as good as you in a while. Everyone was either too tired to verse me, or just plain didn't wanna.

Alright, this may sound cheesy and eww-worthy, but the last hit you did that scored yourself a point, was one right at "my heart." For real though, you hit me in the upper left part of my chest! Um? OW!

Now the last really memorable moment, was the summer of grade six or seven, I think. Or maybe it was grade eight? It was like, 5 AM in the morning, and I threw myself out there to talk to you on Facebook. Oh wait, speaking of Facebook, is it weird to say that I was super shocked that you were the one to add me on Facebook first? I contemplated on adding you first for like, I think five days, and then to see a notification that you requested to be my friend before I got the guts to? I reacted the same way I did when E added me back on SnapChat, haha. No squealing but a lot of "seriously? He did? What? How? Why? Really? Wow. Thanks."

But anyway, back to the summer conversation, nothing was really "omg," but it was really nice talking to you... I've always wanted to get to know you better, so that having a crush on you would sound more... reasonable? Understandable? When I got over you for a long period of time in grade 9, I said that I didn't really have an infatuation, I just wanted to be your friend. ... Yeah, I don't... know either...?

It sucks that our conversations aren't easy going anymore. Heck, it's so stilted. Heck times two, there are no conversations anymore.

I regret deleting that summer convo just because I wanted to be final in getting over you. Now the evidence or proof or something to look back on is gone.


I don't mean to sound rude, but what is there to like about you? Er, well, not that you would know, but like... I mean, I know I had admiration for you, but it's amazing how I didn't base the rest of my crush on your looks or anything else. It was just really cool that you appeared cool when playing sports.

When I really think hard about it, I don't know if I kinda-sorta-maybe wish for more. But it's like you're avoiding me now. Maybe it's my fault. I think I acted cold towards you in grade 10 when we shared Math together. I'm sorry if I made things awkward. :/

Oh, before I end this... In grade eight, when S and I sent you the same message at the same time (S: "did you like [my real name here] in elementary?" Me: "Did you like S _ _ _ _ _ in elementary?"), and you replied to S with "sure" — what did that mean?

One of the reasons that I thought I had a long crush on you was because I wondered if you ever liked me back before I liked you.

Never to be sent but from,