So, my whole life I have found myself in a roller coaster ride of emotions, experiences, and trials. Yet, i'm not thrilled, it would seem i would rather ride a train that has no thrill. It doesn't make sense, but maybe i'm tired of going up and down and all around.. but it doesn't make sense, because i hate how stuck i feel in my own being remembering each curve of the roller coaster as I go down a straight path that is only me. I miss people, i miss the love that was there.. but most of all i miss myself and the love I had for myself. I am lost way out in the middle of no where. I see life every so often, but mainly i just see things dying instead of living. Something has changed inside of me. I look to the future due to my lack of appreciating the past. and all i feel i have left is the future.. and everything that lives.. will die.. quite the future... why though, why is it that anything that makes us feel alive kills us. it is an awful paradox that keeps us from our own truth. Than i remember we have a present, it is everything in between the future and the past and that is the moment you are choosing to live each day. But than your present gets tainted with your past and expectations for the future. You forget to live and you naturally start to die.. i just want to feel comfortable in my own skin and my own being. Even though it seems damn near impossible. Even with me knowing my worth, i still feel worthless. Is there no solution in this pain? Why has it found me, what have i done to deserve this. but than i remember it isn't anything you deserve it is something you are strong enough to understand. Even though some things i wish i never knew, some things aren't worth knowing, because than you carry the pain with it on your shoulders. So knowledge can't be the solution it can just help you on your journey... what is going to make me feel better? i don't know anymore. I can be told everyday about how amazing i am, or that i have a lot going for me, i am smart, i don't have to fear, i can be lifted to the top of a mountain but no matter what i still possess this fear, pain, anguish, and an indescribable black hole of emotion that overwhelms me so dramatically. And somehow i'm supposed to remain calm even when all of my dreams and hopes come crashing down in-front of me. I feel like a failure. I feel like i should be more than what I am, and that i am nothing until i am exactly what everyone wants me to be... NEWSFLASH you are exactly what you want to be. That is why he is he and she is she and you are you. but than once again I'm alone.. it is a vicious cycle i can't just abandon.. because no matter what i wont let go of him, her, or myself, why because i'm my last hope to saving you. Because i felt you let go.. It's all just so fucked up.. i shouldn't even care anymore.. but you are all I have... i should just let you go... but i love you, self.. please don't let me go...