This topic is very close to my heart, mostly because I have been in bad relationships for most of my life. Whether it be because of my own toxic behavior or my partners, I haven't always had nor created the best luck. I honestly cannot tell you what a 'healthy' relationship is supposed to look like, however I can tell you what it is not supposed be like and things that you should not put up with, given that you put fourth your absolute best. Lets get real for a second, I'm sure you have behaviors that could use some work and you aren't 100% perfect at all times, but you still don't deserve to be treated like sh*t and taken for granted. Its next to impossible to realize what is normal and right in a relationship. Im almost certain it is not the same for everyone and whatever looks like normal behavior to you, may not look that way to someone else. Bottom line: all relationships are different and there is not one common norm of how they are supposed to work. What I'm here to tell you is how they are not supposed to work and what you should not have to deal with in a relationship. These individual examples alone aren't reasons to call it quits, however when mixed together is when your relationship could possibly be in some trouble.

1. You complain to everyone else about your relationship problems instead of going straight to your partner. 

Ok let me clarify, this doesn't mean that occasionally you don't go to your friend Jill and complain how your boyfriend Mark forgot to take out the trash once again and is just really pissing you off today. No, this doesn't count. Im talking about the constant "Jill, I think he's cheating on me," "Jill, we aren't having sex like we used to," "Jill, he won't talk to me about anything anymore." First off, Jill is going to become annoyed because you only talk about your boyfriend. Second, what are you actually solving by constantly complaining to your friend? Your boyfriend has no idea you are even upset so how can you resolve things and move forward if he doesn't know theres an issue? I would suggest trying to openly and (key word) calmly discuss your concerns with your partner. If they are unwilling to communicate about problems in the relationship then thats when you have a problem.

2. Your partner has cheated 

This topic is a whole post in itself and is very touchy so let me explain. I have been both the cheater and cheated so I know how it feels on both sides of the spectrum. It sucks. It is the ultimate betrayal and can leave you feeling inadequate, aggressive, jealous, alone, unworthy, and ultimately unable to ever trust this person again. Important note: I have family members who have been cheated on, as a one time thing. The man realized he messed up and never did it again and they were able to move past that point and lived happily ever after (far fetched but you get my point). Depending on your personality, you may be able to forgive and trust this person again, given that they don't make it a habitual thing. However, I'm my experience, I was madly in love with a guy that constantly cheated on me (through writing other women and literal physical contact). I let things slide many times (first mistake) and could never truly trust him. I would constantly snoop through his phone and always just had a bad feeling he was dong something wrong even if he wasn't. What kind of relationship is this? Its not one. You will end up wasting your whole life on a guy who 'has his cake and eats it too' if you aren't careful and why would you want that? If it happens once, thats one thing. If it happens habitually, I would suggest reevaluating how much this relationship actually means to you. No one who really loves you will religiously cheat on you.

3. They are manipulative

This is referring to them distributing 'unacceptable behavior' and manipulating you into thinking you're crazy. For this one, you have to understand what your relationship boundaries are, as they are not the same in every relationship. For instance some couples think snap chatting other people is okay. For me, I would be very pissed because I don't think that if you are happy in a relationship you would even want to talk to another guy/girl. So for example, say you catch your partner snap chatting another girl, and you calmly express how you are not comfortable with them doing that and would like if they didn't. Your partner may manipulate you in a way that makes you think that you are being 'crazy' or that you did something wrong. "Well you shouldn't have went through my phone" or "It would be different if you would do xyz." This will force you to think that maybe they are right. You are clearly being manipulated and more so disrespected.

4. They point out your flaws rather than your strengths

And I'm not talking about in ways to help your personal growth either. Im talking about your partner constantly putting you down, discouraging you and making you feel bad for being yourself. You should never be afraid to be who you are and you should never feel like you need to change to suit someone else. Your partner should be uplifting and encouraging and applaud you for the good qualities that you do have instead of complaining about the bad. They should never make you feel like you aren't good enough.

5. You are unsure about your future together

Do you ever dread what your future could potentially look like with this person. Better yet, do you ever question if you even have a future all together? If you are with the right person, you will actually discuss your future together in a way that seems real and exciting. If you're with the wrong person, future talk probably won't come up much and it often stems thoughts of "maybe they'll change if we get married." Newsflash: they won't and I wouldn't plan for it.

6. They don't care about your feelings

If you're an emotional wreck 90% of the time, they may take you a little less seriously and I probably would too. However, if you have legit concerns and emotions that you need to express to your partner and they blow you off, that's not okay. For instance, if you are legitamately upset about something, lets say your parents are getting a divorce. Your partner is one person you should be able to express emotions to and if they completely disregard the fact that you're upset instead of offering support and comfort, then that is something I would be concerned over. 

7. You feel worse about yourself than you did before you met this person

You are mentally starting to put yourself down and truly feel like you have no good qualities. And although no one can necessairly make you feel anything, if you're being told something over and over, you will eventually start to believe it yourself. Again, your partner should be uplifting and encouraging. If you are around someone negative versus positive, notice how different you feel about life in general and about yourself. Being around someone empowering and positive will be motivating and make you feel like you can conquer anything. Surrounding yourself with constant negativity will eventually result in reflected negative emotions toward yourself. 

8. They are not dependable

When sh*t hits the fan, is this truly someone who is going to stick around with you through it? In an unhealthy relationship, you could count on a close friend, a great uncle or your hairdresser before you could rely on your partner to be there for you. Really think about that. Would you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who you aren't entirely sure would stick around when things get tough? A healthy relationship is mutual trust and support. You have their back and they have yours. 

9. When you aren't physically together, you don't feel together

This may be somewhat confusing, so let me explain. When you both aren't physically in the presence of each other, you may as well be single. For instance, say they leave in the morning for work, you may not speak to them until they return whenever that may be. You don't keep any form of contact, whether you text constantly or just sporadic phone calls throughout the day to check in with each other. If the only time you feel like you are in a relationship is when that person is standing right in front of you, thats not a good sign. Unless, you are both okay with not speaking unless you are together then this does not apply to you.

10. Habitual Lying

Some people believe that small lies to "protect" their partner are okay. I think that is bs. You should always be honest with your partner. It doesn't matter how small the lie may seem because once they realize they can get away with the small stuff then they will gradually feel more comfortable telling even bigger lies. Any form of lying proves disrespect and should not be stood for. 

11. Your friends/family notice how bad they treat you & you often feel the need to defend them

Your family and friends only want what is best for you and you have to remember that. They know your potential and know when you are being mistreated. If your partner is constantly screwing up and you are constantly having to explain their behavior to the people that are closest to you, thats when you know you have a problem. Although, you should not let anyone dictate what happens in your relationship or what you should be doing, it is worth taking a second look when everyone you love can see what is happening, besides you.

12. You feel like there is a wall in your relationship

The best way that I can describe this is that you feel like there is a certain level that you can't move past in your relationship or a layer between you and your partner that you can't uncover. You feel like your partner won't allow you to get too close or when you finally start getting closer, they pull away. I hate to tell you, but often times that wall will never budge. How can you really know someone who won't let you in completely?

13. Deep down you feel like they aren't "the one"

Do you ever feel that if someone better came along, you would choose them in a heartbeat? Your heart and you intuition will tell you the truth if you really listen to yourself. Most of the time you already know the answer you are looking for.

14. They abuse you physically

I have never been physically abused, however I can say this: it is not and will never be okay for your partner to hurt you. You will never have a valid argument as to why you deserve it and will never be able to justify a good reason for their behavior. Again, I cannot say too much as I have never experienced this but you are worth so much more and should never be treated this way. Ever. Someone who loves you, will not hurt you.

15. They make big decisions without consulting you

Say your partner took a job out of state or bought a house even. As much as I applaud independence and believe you should take care of yourself, if your partner is making big decisions without your thoughts or input at all, then that is a clear sign they aren't very serious about you and your 'future' together (or lack thereof). 

16. Nonexistent physical contact

If you and your partner were not big on this subject before, then you can disregard this point. Do you feel like intimacy is slacking? Do you feel like the chemistry isn't really there anymore? Do you remember the last time you and your partner even kissed? These are all huge red flags. While it is natural for these things to lower slightly after the 'honeymoon' phase, they should never become nonexistent. 

17. They prioritize everything else before you

Going out with his single guy friends is more important then spending a night in with you. Going golfing on a Sunday morning is more important than attending church with you. While these may not be the struggles you face, notice the things your partner puts before your relationship. As important as it is to have guy time and time alone, notice how your partner prioritizes their time and how they choose and desire to spend it. And how its not with you.

18. They are generally selfish

When it comes to they lengths that you would go for your partner, you would do almost anything to assure they are taken care of. When it comes to you, they may not be willing to even lift a finger. Notice what they do for themselves versus what they are willing to do for you. A healthy relationship is all about selflessness. You should always put your partner first and vice versa. 

19. They don't go out of their way or show kind gestures

Im not saying that your partner should bow down to you and in no way should you feel entitled for them to do so. I have noticed in many good relationships, the individuals never stop surprising each other. Whether it be getting you 'just because' flowers or something small like leaving you a sweet note, bringing home your favorite candy bar or simply just thanking you for something kind you did. Whatever it is, healthy relationships never stop showing kindness and gratitude for each other and they never take each other for granted. 

20. You are reading this post

So you must obviously be looking for a sign. 

These are a few unhealthy habits that I have noticed in my relationships and relationships of other people that are close to me. I hope that you found this post helpful and if you are struggling in a relationship in any of these ways, realize that you deserve so much better. Never allow anyone to look down on you or make you feel like you aren't worthy of real love because you are. No matter what you may have done in the past, if you are giving 110% in a relationship, you don't deserve to be repaid with 15%. I am no relationship expert but I know one thing: when you are with the right person you will feel empowered, strong, ambitious, loved, secure, beautiful, and most importantly: that you are enough. If anyone makes you feel otherwise, they do not deserve you or another minute of your time. Your time is so precious and should be spent loving the right person instead of proving to the wrong one why you are worthy. 

Thank you for reading :)

With love, Danielle 

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