What do you feel? Everything or nothing at all? I guess this is how I work. I want to change, or maybe I don’t. The interesting thing is that there is beauty, mystery in it. I mean it is different to be and act in such extreme way. I believe this is how we introverts are. You could name us human snow globes. We form a crystal-clear glass all around us; a defence policy. Nobody can get in. And what’s worse? Nobody can get out. The cold snow that falls on us within the globe is slowly changing us into something else. It’s more like rain pouring on us, converting into ice. There is no escape. It’s an infinite vicious cycle.

After a while, we freeze. It turns us stone cold bit by bit, slowly just to prolong the agony. First an ice-cold stare. One glance and you will feel shivers in your whole body just like the feeling of the first cold wind that announces fall.
Then our hearts, they turn into ice. And ice is supposed to be tough. No. That’s the downside. It is the most fragile and vulnerable one. Because if, only if someone gets close enough their body heat will melt it. And you are left there standing with nothing to look at. Where your heart used to be, now there’s just a black hole. And it is now you realise how lost you actually feel when part of you is missing.

The snow globe? After long enough inside you start to feel numb, nothing at all. It’s just you sitting in silence drowning in your own miserable thoughts in the world you created to escape from reality. And that’s one of our extreme sides. The dark one. Just like the moon has two sides. This is the dark side of the moon. And the bright part? There is sunshine after the rain. If you come close enough, strong, motivated to break the glass surrounding me you will first feel a wave of cold wind coming towards you. You’re trying to hold your breath so you don’t let the cold blunt wind tear you apart. And you start to understand why storms are named after people. But all these waves one after another of harsh emotions that have been captured inside, they slowly fade. And we stand there, in front of you vulnerable and ready to face the consequences. I feel it. It is going to devour me fragment by fragment until I find myself flopping just like a fish on dry land, craving for water. But oh, you should feel the warmth within us. My soul magically radiates at the smallest, most insignificant things.

And have you wondered why? Why for just a second we have hope, we feel joy? Because after feeling numb for so long, it is good to feel anything at all, even if deep down we know it’s going to turn into endless pain. And for the first time we feel alive.

And you? You broke that glass and you took everything away from me in such short time. And I am ashamed and disappointed that I even let you in at all. Because the moment I let that happen, I gave you my heart and my love. I gave you the power to destroy me, but somehow with this blind love I really trusted you wouldn't.

You know it felt good. My heart beating again when looking at you. Blood pumping through my veins. Chemicals reaching to my brain. Every inch of my body aching at the sound of your voice. Oh how much I loved the way you said my name. Your smell, your vibe was cursing through my body every time I had the courage to come any close to you. You were the alcohol I was addicted to, you were running through my veins. Nothing left of me that was sober. There was no escape. My destruction was approaching. I was going to find my end in the war of love. But at least, I was going to die happily.