First of all you'll need some background.

I am a seventeen years old female and I am in love.
In fact, I am in love with another girl.

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It all started at some point last year. We were best friends at first and when we started developing feelings for each other, nothing changed that much. We both were not even sure if we could consider ourselves a couple or not. See, we weren't really good at talking back then. And I guess that was our biggest problem.
But nevertheless it still felt great and everything was good. Well, until her former crush came along. That was when it all went downhill. When he showed her some of his magic tricks to impress her, I knew I had lost.
Not even a week after they first talked, he kissed her.

And just like that it was over. Whatever we had, it was in the past now.
But I couldn't forget her. I also couldn't just put her in the past. Because unfortunately we were in the same group of friends. Which meant that I had to see and talk to her every day. It felt like hell hearing her brag about her new boyfriend, how great he was and and how he let her wear his sweatshirts and stuff like that. I have never been that jealous in my entire life.

How we actually got a second chance.

About three months later - yes, she was still with her boyfriend - we just happened to skip school together and hang out at our local castle (I know it sounds ridiculous) with a bottle of wine, which we shared.
In the meantime I had made out with another dude and found myself at the point of having to decide whether I wanted things to get serious with him or not.
So we got a little drunk together and started talking about our current relationships. That's how I found out that she actually wasn't that happy with her boyfriend anymore. Needless to say, I was still madly in love with her and my stupid little heart couldn't have been happier about the news it had just witnessed.

Another few weeks later we went to a party that we were both invited to. That night I told myself that it was eihter tonight or never. I got very drunk - I actually have never been that drunk in my life before - and knowing that she still had a boyfriend, I kissed her nevertheless. And well, we didn't stop.

The next day, she broke up with her boyfriend and a few much needed talks later we were back together.
Now, at first it was great. Everything was exactly how I wanted it to be. All my dreams and fantasies had finally come true and even tho she had moved to another city, it was still more than I would've ever imagined.

Sounds all pretty good, huh?
Well, it didn't last that long.
Now I am here, almost four months later, and I'm drowning in my own doubts. I am starting to think that getting back together with her was the dumbest idea I have ever made.
It isn't that much of a surprise really. I've always been against giving exes second chances. And yet here I am.

At this point you're probably wondering why I am starting to have doubts.

The thing is, I gave her my everything the first time we got together. I gave her all I could've possibly given her without losing myself in the process. But I never really got anything back. And added to that, I was so heartbroken when she said it was over. I was so hurt, my mental health basically jumped off a cliff. It took me so fucking long to put the pieces of my broken heart back together.
And now, even though I know she apologised and she feels bad for having done that to me, I still can't forget about it. I can't ignore the fact, that she was the one who broke my heart in the first place.

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I thought this time things were gonna get better, that she would give me what I want, what I need.

But I am getting the feeling that she could never do that. Not because she doesn't want to, but because she doesn't get it. And I am also finding myself not giving her what she deserves. Because I did that last time and I know what I got in return - a heart, shattered into a million pieces.
I am having this constant fear of being let down once again. I am so afraid of her ruining everything for the second time because I know I couldn't take that. Not again.

I love her.

I probably even love her too much. And I will love her forever. Because she is the one who showed me what love actually means.

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But all in all I think it's time to move on. It's time to let her go.
Things will never be the way I want them to be. Maybe they would if we saw each other more often. But with her living in another city and her not putting any effort into meeting me, we will never be the couple we could be.
I am tired of being the only one trying to make things work.

Will I break up with her?

I wish I could easily answer that question. To be honest, the only thing holding me back from doing it, is the fact that I still love her with all my heart. More than I should. More than she will ever love me.

Looking back now, I shouldn't have given her that second chance. Maybe second chances are a good thing for some people out there. But not for me.