alternatively titled: shit i would tell my science teacher if only i had the balls to do so (and also if i knew how)

also i might delete this after it gets embarrassing axkflsakjd

some context:

sometimes your ranking on the honor roll turns into the only source of overcompensation that gets you through the day. you see someone who's pretty and wonder why you can't be her? it's alright. at least you're first honor.

and then you rank down. twice.

the first time, you don't cry. it's because you knew it was going to happen eventually. you calculated the chances, weighed in the possibilities. you weren't surprised. plus, you promised yourself. you promised yourself you wouldn't fucking cry, because your best friend deserves her moment, and she deserves it way more than you do anyway, and you weren't going to ruin it by sobbing your eyes out. you were going to wait until you got home, and even though it was insufferable in the car, even though it hurt like hell to not cry, you managed.

the second time doesn't go as planned. or maybe you didn't have a plan at all. maybe you got worse at dealing with your problems.

they tell you the system is better. that it's teamwork instead of competition. that it's not really a ranking anymore it's....a sorting.

a sorting.

doesn't sound so bad, right?

but it still doesn't feel that way. you wonder why and eventually you figure it out.

highest, high, honors. and then you're ranked in your categories. like old times.

the old system wasn't demolished. it just has three categories now.

so maybe you can't be blamed for sobbing. but it still sucks.

your teacher sees and she makes you talk to her and you do and it's embarrassing and awkward and she tells you to talk to her. about anything if you needed it.

and you wish you could.

but that's not who you are. or maybe it is, and you just don't know it yet. so. here. a few things you would tell her if you could:

- i hate myself and it's all im used to
- the honor roll is all i have that i genuinely worked for. everything else in my life, i don't deserve or didn't earn or aren't mine.
- i feel myself drifting away and i don't know what to do about it
- im angry and bitter about everything, and i don't know how to stop being angry
- im jealous and i hate being jealous and i want to stop
- i dont know what else to define myself with. im not the kid with the highest average in class so. who the fuck am i now?
- insecure. that's what.
- i want to be better but im not, and i don't know where or how to start