Thoughts of a 14 year old teenager

Senior high school is just around the corner and I don't even know what I want to be. What I want to have as a job. I don't understand how someone just suddenly thinks 'Oh, I want to be a doctor.' Like, do you even know what kind of doctor you want to be? The future scares me so much. I just want it all fast forward to when I have a job and just continue on from that. I mean, I do kind of want to be a computer engineer, but also a journalist, and maybe a chef. Also, being a biologist isn't too far. I even want to be a manager, like a tour manager- for artists that tour around the world. I don't know, I think I'd enjoy that. Although, I'm still confused and scared and I don't know what to do.

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School stresses me the hell out. Teachers make me want to rip my head off along with theirs. I don't think they understand how hard it is to excel in all of my classes without sacrificing sleep, social life or my leisure time. This art teacher I have makes me crazy. She thinks everyone is fucking Da Vinci.

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A relationship. It seems something that isn't needed but something I'm longing for. I'm not desperate, but I am hoping I find someone that would like me and make me feel like the most beautiful girl on Earth. I just want someone to hold me and tell me everything's gonna be alright. But it seems impossible.

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I am in love with celebrities that doesn't even know me. That don't know my name. Maybe it is silly. But that's what makes me feel passionate. I'm passionate about loving somebody who does incredible things for the world and I hope I meet someone in real life that's as wonderful as them.

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My best friend is the best person ever. I love her and I don't know how I would survive middle school without that girl. She makes me feel the least alone. She's going to Australia in a year and I have a possibility to go as well but I fear that I won't. I fear that I won't have a person to be my confidante and someone to bitch about other people. I do have a squad- as they call it but she's just my ULTIMATE best friend. The other two are my best friends.

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My mom is barely home. She works a lot since my school's tuition fees aren't exactly easy to attain. She has her own apartment and I live in a large home with my cousins and their mom. Usually, my grandparents are also here but they're in Australia at the moment. My mom comes home for 2 days in a week. I don't have a dad, he abandoned me when I was a child; However, he went to my baptism and it's the last since my mom and I saw him. At least, that's what I know. I don't have any memory of him. Only pictures. And I found out his name through a medical certificate in school and I looked up his facebook. My mom doesn't know that.

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I wish I don't have thick thighs. I wish I have perfect hair. I wish I have clear skin. I wish I'm pretty. I just wish somethings that I know won't ever be true.

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.k 09-10-17 2:33AM