Is the strong and almost painful tug in my chest a sign telling me to back up ? To quit , go home and forget about it , just accept how much of a coward i can be sometimes ?
Why are my palms sweaty ? Why is my head spinning and my brain going 100 miles per hour ?
Why are my knees weak and why does it feel like my legs could give out on me any minute ?
why am i overthinking everything ? Could it be because what i'm about to do is the best decisions i'll make ? Or could it be because it's the worst one ?

I laugh at how i was so determined , how i had it all planned in my mind , how i thought it would be so easy to just get done with it , in my head i knew that it only took one step forward , just a simple , small yet so powering step .

But that was before i stepped on the railing of this high red bridge , the one near the scary dark woods , just a short walk from my apartment .

A breeze hits my skin sending chills all over my body
"it's cold " i slightly whisper to myself
' why are they still standing here ' i think as i look back to all the people shouting words of what they think would give me hope , a will to live .
It's not working , it wont . I give up on life , i give up MY life , i've had enough . Yeah .

I wanna scream at them , tell them not to bother
I wanna tell that lady in the brown coat to stop crying , i don't know her , i've never seen her face before , but .. But she seems so sorrowful , maybe heartbroken , i don't quite get her teary blue eyes .

I wanna tell that little boy looking at me wide-eyed , terrified that it's okay . That he would be okay even if i jump to my death , he'll live and won't remmember i existed within a few days .

I look down to see the deep water , the now midnight-dark ocean waiting to swallow and suffocate me , to engulf and surround me , drag me down , fill my lungs with water , make me a part of it and then let my lifeless body float on the surface for people to pitch out and bury in the ground .

I wonder what would my headstone say , pft sure : my name . Birth year or how many pointless years i lived , and some stupid quote i've never heard of .
But what it should say is : here rests the loser that thought things will get better but gave up when they didn't , yeah just like that , the truth .
I'll forever be known and referred to as the guy that committed suicide , took his own life and .. And somehow i'm okay with that .

It's gonna be okay .

Goodbye .

so i wrote this scene ( kinda scene , i dunno ) a couple of week back and now i found the right platform to share it on . i hope somebody reads this