Sometimes I dream of you.

Your face right in front of mine, your eyes staring at my lips, and your hands pressing down my hips. It is like one single moment when everything seems so perfect; it’s like if for one second, I have my whole life figured out, there is no anxiety, no panic attacks, there is just me. And you. And hell, you are perfect, you are so perfect every time I see you, I can feel my heart pounding as loud as it can. You are everything that I want, you are kind, and sweet, and polite, and funny, and I just… I think I might be in love.

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And at least, in my dream, you are in love with me too. And everything is perfect because I am here with you. I never want this to end. But as I try to move closer and press my lips into yours, everything starts crawling back again. And the numbness gets hold of my body and my soul. The lights flicker and you start moving away from me, until you are nothing more than a shadow on the horizon, and I am left alone in the dark.

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I wish you could feel for me what I feel for you. I wish I could be the one who is lying beside you right now. I wish my dreams were true because then, I wouldn’t feel all this panic when I walk into a room full of people because I would know you`d be waiting for me on the inside. I wouldn’t have to put up this huge wall to protect myself because you`d be taking care of me. And maybe we could grow old together; maybe we could buy a house on the hill and have a perfect family.
If only you loved me too.

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But I am a mess; I am the last piece of a puzzle that was incinerated long ago. I am a work of art, but one no one will ever see, I am a broken glass, who’s constantly told to get up and pull it together. I am that person no one wants to be.
And I love you so much. But I understand why you don’t love me, and it is okay. I am used to it. I am used to being a disappointment, a disgrace, a mistake. It is okay. You are perfect and I am a monster. You are heaven and I am hell. But it´s okay.

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Still, sometimes I dream of you, I dream of us, I dream of love.

That is why, I rather be sleeping all day, than going out, because at least here, laying in my bed, with my eyes closed shut, there are no voices in my head.

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There is just me. And you. And you love me. And I love you.