I really want to evaporate and turn into a gas that just floats. Be energy that is invisible to the human eye but is there nonetheless just floating. Because I want to be alive. I know that for a fact. I just want to disappear and see life from the outside looking in for a while. But then how would I get back to reality. Would I even want to come back to reality? And then I think about how expendable I’m making myself. Yeah I’m useful now but also, there a bunch of people like you. It wouldn’t be that significant if you didn’t come back. But that’s just the thing. I want to be significant. But I don’t know how to be significant. Is it because I’m not making myself a priority enough? Am I not trying hard enough? Or is it that I have to realize that I’m just not significant, but not in a bad way. When you think about it, the world and it’s forces are greater than the 8 billion people on this earth. No one is really THAT significant, and it’s just apart of life that at this moment, you don’t matter that much. And because of that you gotta go somewhere where you are significant. But then I think about significance being about the self. How do you think of yourself how much time are you even putting into you. Because, truthfully, no matter where you go are you really ever going to be happy fi you’re not confident and you keep staying around people who don’t value you as it is. Or maybe it’s not that they don’t value you, but because you don’t value yourself, they just.. don’t know what to do with you at that point. Maybe it’s everything combined I’m not sure.
But I think I run away from everything. There’s a bunch of reasons why I went to Mizzou. I don’t even think I can pinpoint exactly one. But the umbrella, I will say of it all, is that I want to be significant. I wanted to feel adequate. Because I don’t really think I know what that feels like. And Mizzou didn’t really help at all. I was still the same. Yeah I gained a lot, but i think it created a bigger ball of confusion. And I don’t think it helps that I’m back at home. Because I’m in a place that made me feel inadequate from the jump, and I want to be somewhere else. But for what? To find myself? To be important? To start over? How are you gonna start over when this is you? How are you going to find yourself when you’re literally right here?
Idk but all I know is that it’s getting worse. And I want to run away again. Get away from my problems again. Because it feels like my body is slowly stopping sometimes. Like I can’t breathe. Like I’m forgetting how to breathe and think and pay attention. And I don’t know how to pay attention anymore. Everything is just kind of jumbled. All the words people say. People’s face.
And then I think something’s wrong with me. And maybe that’s why I feel inadequate. Something that I’ve been going back to a lot lately is how Vince would just look at me (well not look at me) when I talked. And it’s so funny because I loved being vulnerable. I loved expressing myself and I loved the idea of someone just being vulnerable with me and I felt myself breaking my barriers and I felt really good. I really thought he made me feel good. Until one day I asked him, “Are you even listening to me?” Of course he said yes. And then he told me I asked stoner questions and I talked too deeply. And I laughed. Because it was laughable. I was laughable to him? I brushed it off, but after that, I truly felt I was back at square one. Except this time I’m not a unaware of myself, which is bittersweet. And now I feel like I don’t want to talk to anybody. I’m too scared to do that. Because I probably won’t make sense or I won’t sound simple enough or profound enough or my words or my being in general just won’t be good enough. And it’s so funny because like.. Vince as a person didn’t make me feel better. I’d like to think he did but he didn’t. I think after Vince something in me just snapped and now I feel myself running back to something that isn’t making it any better. Because I want that attention from them. I don’t like them. I don’t. I just want them to like me, which is backwards. But I don’t know. Maybe it’s because I oddly felt adaquete in their presence which is dumb as fuck because do you see the way they speak to you? Do ya hear it? That just doesn’t even remotely make sense. But nonetheless, when they give you that small fraction of the week they do. But you are’t important. Especially to them. You never mattered. And I can say that all I want, but I don’t think I accept it yet. Not because it isn’t true but because I don’t know.. because you want them to leave but deep deep down. You really don’t want them to. Even thought they’re already gone. And then the cycle continues of asking yourself am I good enough and then you feel like shit where you are and you just wanna pick up everything and go, just for you to be back where you started and so on and so forth. Who can relate? Send me a message on here or on twitter or Tumblr if you ever wanna talk about shizz..
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