Hello there, as you may already know my name is Joana and, what you don't know yet is that I am going to be a senior this year. I have been feeling very weird lately, not knowing how to deal with these feelings I just kept hoping they went away... unfortunely they insisted on staying.
So today I opened my computer and thought "Oh I haven't gone to weheartit in a long time" and then, naturally, I came here and I found out there's this "new" update where we can write stuff and, well, I realized I could try to explain what's happening to me.
Let's start, I guess.
School sucks, it's good for us and all that but it's not a specially fun thing to do. Since I started my academic life, this thing called "school" insisted on screwing me over and over and over... which was never very pleasing. First few years I got bullied, but still I felt excited to go back to school every new year. Then I decided to join the mean girls - you know, that mean queen that's just a stupid spoiled girl who likes to hurt others... let's say I was part of her staff. which means I had to laugh when she bullied others and when she decided to make fun of me I shouldn't respond. So I was her puppet for nine years - and that wasn't a very good idea because she messed me up so bad I had to look for profissional help, but even then, even when I knew I had to leave that terrible person as soon as freshman year started and that meant she would probably humilliate me in front of the whole school, even then I was excited to go back. And I was excited last year.
However, I have two weeks untill school starts and I just feel... scared. I have no idea why, but all I want is to turn back time. Everything is happening so fast and I just don't know what to do, because I want to live. I want to make sure I don't regret not doing anything and I feel like all these oportunities are flying near me and I can't catch any, no matter how hard I try they just fly through me.
Maybe I'm feeling like this because I know next year I'll be going to college and I just don't know if I can take it. I have no idea what I want to be, and everyone keeps pressuring me everyday and when I say "I don't know yet" all I get are disappointment looks or an answer like "You don't have much time to decide, you should know already", like I KNOW OK? I KNOW. Because it is the last year I have to make it right, looking back I can listen to me telling myself "You'll have the grades you need, you have everything under control", but now I know I didn't. I could have done so much better and I didn't and now this is my last chance and I know me, I know I am going to screw it all up.
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Or I'm feeling like this because I had a huge crush on a senior last year and this summer he noticed me and texted me and then three weeks later he started completely ignoring me after telling me he liked me.

Now you are all thinking "wait! Wasn't this about school?" Not really. You see, I believe I am freaking out because I am almost 18 and this future that seemed to be so far away is getting closer and closer and soon it will be the present, and I am not ready.
I've always thought of myself as this responsible, mature person. The problem is, I am afraid that I never really was like that. I'm a kid, I think like a kid, I talk like a kid, I am too lazy and I am so socially awkward. I am not ready. You know I thought I was, I really did but ( and here is when the guy comes in ) that boy, I had him... I had him right there, after talking to me for one whole day he was totally into me and he was so perfect... you know when you dream about a guy and you keep thinking "I know I'm not going to find anyone like this but at least I want to find someone as close to this "ideal person" as possible", well he wasn't close, he was THE GUY, he had it all, every single detail even the most weird, random things he had it all. I was so sure it was him. So picture me, a 17 year old girl, I get a text for my crush (never talked to him, just found him cute as balls) and then he ends up being this huge dream guy who listens to amazing music, who gets my jokes and replies with even funnier jokes, who I could have real conversations with whenever and, most importantly, who actually liked me. He was so into me I can't even explain, he used to tell me all the time we had "clicked" and that had never happened to him, ever... it was almost magical.
I'm sure you know how this story will end. Well, he told me he liked me a lot and then, all of the sudden, he didn't. Now he disappeared, he doesn't like my pictures or my tweets, he doesn't see my instastory, he just stopped caring. Out of nowhere he just wasn't interested anymore.

I kept thinking "But I had him right there, how in hell did this happen?" I had him, I had the chance to have my first serious relationship and I didn't grab it. It was big and it was right in front of me and I didn't grab it. How am I going to grab other opportunities in my life? I'm not. I'm going to be this huge failure and I am so scared. I've always had these ENORMOUS plans, I've always wanted to make the difference while I can, but how am I going to do that if I can't figure anything out? How am I going to be someone if I don't take risks? How come I'm so stupid? How?

Life is short. And last time I checked I was ten years old, but now? Now I'm 17. I am terrified, because I don't want to be 50, 60, 83 years old, looking back and thinking "I could've been someone" "I could have done something different". I don't want to regret not doing enough for me. And right now it seems like that's exacly what I am doing... letting my grades be medium, letting my prince charming go, letting possible amazing moments on hold because I want to watch a tv show... and I just don't know how to change this. Because every year I go back to school thinking "It's going to be different, I am going to be different, this is my year. I can be great" but it never was like that, and that was always ok because I always had time to fix it, since the future was too far away to bother me for real.

The problem is, I'm just realizing now, I might don't have time anymore.