dear nobody,
Here's a good paradox: Feeling lonely in a crowded room. That's how I feel. It's frustrating not having anyone to talk to about how and why you feel a certain way. Somehow, feeling depressed and expressing your depression and anger has become taboo. "Just get over it." "It's okay, just think happy thoughts." I can't though. How the fuck are you supposed to get rid of those disgusting, vile, and horrible thoughts so easily, if they've already left scars on your mind? You can't. It's really fucking hard. It's frustrating. It's frustrating when you have a million things to say, but you can't or you're not supposed to because it'll only cause problems for other people. It's especially painful when you have to hold in all your rage, tears, screams, and curses because if you don't, then you'll end up hurting the people you care for most. It's terrible. You're wounded and dying but you're health is at the cost your loved one's health. I'm not some kind of martyr though. I just hate this feeling so fucking much. I feel like I want to burst into tears all fucking day. But I can't. I have to suck it up and keep on conversing with my "friends" about some stupid shit that happened at a party or who's sleeping with who. And all I can think is, "wow. is this really all there is to life? You just suffer in silence until you die? It can't be" Truly there must be more to this than just merely surviving and getting by. I just wish I could leave somewhere else where no one knows my name when it all gets overwhelming. Someday I will. I don't plan on being stuck here in this washed up fucking town that only brings back shitty memories. I'll leave this place one day but until then I'll just look up at the stars and dream of better places than here.
I want to live before I die.
yours truly x
