So, I'm fifteen, okay? And... Uh. How do I say this? ...

For example, you know how the ages eleven to twelve are considered the tweens? Puberty kicks up and whatnot? Then, I'm guessing, eighteen to your twenties are considered your young adult stage; like, mature relationships, growing up and the like...? So, okay, fifteen is teens. Right in the middle. Right where everyone who has gone through that teenager stage says that its the most precious one, but also the first platform to things leading to chaotic situations. Yet while it is hectic but precious at the same time, besides precious, ya have to enjoy it. That is so confusing, right?

Okay, now during this teen stuff, there's the whole "being yourself" part, isn't there? (Well, actually, maybe that never leaves.) Yes. Yes, there is.

Personally speaking, I had quite the story when I entered high school. The year where you set your first impressions, and show either a new you, or the you all along. To put my experience into three words: it was dark. Hella dark. I got lost, metaphorically-wise. My head got screwed with my hands on the wheel - control, basically - of it all, yet I still crashed.

Anywho, I'm going to throw this out there and say that, although fifteen is where things like significant others, feelings, shit like that happens — regarding relationships, I don't really care if I get a boyfriend or not. So with that, I don't have the want or need to impress anybody. Which leads me to this question: why can't I be myself?

See, I have a version of me at home that goes all out; I don't give a shit. You probably have that too. Then there's the other one at school who is damn shy and in my opinion, completely UGH. I'm not saying being shy is bad, I'm saying me being shy is frustrating. I don't want to be shy. I have more to show, but hesitancy and fear and being rejected by my peers is like a foreboding storm up ahead, constantly nearing when I even try to step out with confidence. I'm tired of being shy. I want to speak up, but unfortunately, as I had stated above about hesitancy, fear, rejection — I care about what people think of me, or perceive me as. And that, my dear WeHeartIt reader-bud, is immensely awful. It's like a clock ticking in the back of your brain feeding you things ya don't wanna hear about how the other person you're talking to might be feeling or thinking about you.

I seriously f*cking hate it. I'm not being someone I'm not, or pretending, I'm just not being me. I guess, in simpler terms, I'm f*cking stuck in the self acceptance stage. See, I noticed before when I'm more outgoing and out there, confident, I have a tendency to be stupid. I don't really think sometimes, making me come off dumb. (I kinda am dumb - slow in comprehending things sometimes, might have dyscalculias, basically where I have trouble understanding Math concepts like way more than the norm, but that's besides the point, haha.)

Ugh, what I'm trying to say, is that when I'm "being myself," I don't know when to care and not care. Giving no f*cks, and actually being considerate. See the dilemma? It's such a toll. I honestly think that I'm obsessed with shaping myself into something. I think I may have a habit in being completely on the safe side and following a what-not-to-do list... Now considering the fact that I'm religious — accepting Catholic here —I don't know if I'm kind of defying God's way in creating me. (Hey, I'm still young; still learning how to nurture my faith and strengthen that bond.) = _ =; I'm just another troubled teen among many. Well, not that I haven't always been one.


Welp. Just wanted to share this because there are probably a ton of others who might be going through the same thing.

Thanks for reading this far, if ya did.

9/3/17 Written during car ride back home.