Sometimes I remember how close I was to drown, to lose it all. I remember what I had back then before I started drowning. My soul was so calm. No one of those who knew me could perceive the extend of the disaster that was coming. Now, although everything I've been through seems like a distant memory sometimes I still feel agotited. If only I hadn't witnessed so much pain, if only I was luckier. But I wasn't.

The images of myself feeling sick, crying and screaming in the bathroom, begging him for mercy are still haunting me sometimes. And that was really nothing compared to everyhting I've been through. There were times where I knew I couldn't do certain things, yet each time I would do them still. Each one of those times I swear I could feel a part of myself dying.

I desperatelly want someone to come to my life and help my soul heal. But at the same time I don't want to seem desperate or vulnerable as then they might destroy me even more by trying to exploit me. Besides, someitmes I am afraid that the only one who can help me heal my soul is me, with his guidance of course.

Now while writing this article I start feeling that pressure on my throat, like I want to cry but I can't. Sometimes I am really sick of being sorry and of feeling pity for myself while other times I just feel that by crying I will relief myself a bit from the pain I've witnessed the last couple of years.

I guess that the only thing I can do is wait and see what the future holds for me.