It has been 5 years. 5 years God!
I still see her. Everyday. In my dreams, awaken or a sleep she is always there.
The other day I was just walking down the streets, rethinking about this insane dream that I had had about her that night, reliving it wide awake while looking for some coffee.
Lately I’ve been lost. I think I’ve been lost ever since I lost her. 5 years and nothing has changed. God damn it! 5 fucking years and I still love her like 5 fucking years ago. Probably more.
I drink coffee not because I like it but because the taste of it reminds me of her, it tastes like her every single morning before living for work 5 years ago.
So here I am in front of a coffee shop. 7 o’clock in the morning, doing the same ritual I’ve been doing ever since she left and I was able to find her taste somewhere else.
I get in still dreaming about her waiting for the coffee to complete this kind of nirvana that found for myself. The only safe heaven where I can still be with her…
I’m in the line and someone touches my shoulder and I wake up.
“James!”
God this voice…I hate it.
“Samantha…Hi!” I say to her. I look at her and I can still see the tears from the day we broke up streaming down her face. She couldn’t take it anymore. She didn’t deserve. I hated that I could not love her the same way she deserved to be loved and that tear us apart. So we said goodbye.
I liked her, a lot. That smile of hers would still warm my heart, just like now.
We talked for a bit and meanwhile all bits and pieces of me were whishing she was happy and loved. And after a while, once again we said goodbye.
I was still on the line after that, wanting to go back to my dream but she had got me thinking on why. Why didn’t it workout with her or with Alexa.
And the only answer I could find was that I didn’t had any love left to give. I didn’t have any space left either in my heart to fill. While my head and my body were ready at the time for new tastes, new felling, skins, perfumes, humours, particularities and all the other stuff that a person bring along with herself, all that my heart could think was in not getting hurt again, filled again with a love so strong that would once again break him to pieces. I wouldn’t handle it, not again.
I though it was that. Never once in my life, until now, I had realised that that was just no space for somebody else. He was full. He wasn’t even mine anymore.
The waiter called my name and I smiled unaware of the pain that I was felling inside.
Nirvana was just seconds away e thought when I felt the coffee finally sliding down my throat and slowly leading my daydream again.
Has I sat down close to the window I could see her passing it. She looked at me and smiled, all of her smiled at me.
Her blonde hair locked in a pony-tail bouncing side to side, her yellow wintery sweater that I hate and she loves brighten up the rainy day and that black tiny skirt of hers that drive me mad.
I can see her walking in straight to me and I can stop smiling like crazy. I almost giggle because I’m too happy, because she makes me too happy. My heart is just like her pony-tail, bouncing and bouncing. He is happy too. It fells like he going to burst any second now…
I can almost touch her but then the nirvana is gone. That peace of heaven of mine disappears inside that coffee shop and I’m dead. It fells like it.
“Margo…” this name burns my mouth like she burns my heart.
She still has me.
And I now… I still love her. 2 girlfriends, 1000 coffees and 5 years later.