He'll be here in a couple minutes. Get it together, for fucks sake!

I'm nerovusly pacing around my room with thoughts and anxiety rushing through my brain and body. Never have I ever experienced such an uncomfortable feeling. It's like something's eating me from the inside while I'm slowly going insane! And like the cherry on top, I can't eat. I've completely lost my appetite and the thought of food makes me sick.

Why did he even want to come here in the first place!? So what, he forgot his charger. He could've borrowed his brother's and asked me to take it with me because we're going to school tomorrow. Why go through all the trouble of driving all the way to my house and back just to get a charger? Could it be? Maybe he wants ...

I stop short and look around me as if I'm lost, trying to figure out where I am.

No. NO! He's just really desperate after his charger. Why would a no lifer with no social life whatsoever catch his attention long enough for him to fall in love? Exactly. All I'm doing is breaking my own heart with my imaginations. Like always.

And the thing is; all it takes is a small sign, not even of affection, to set the wheels in motion.
A smile, a cute snap or just the slightest touch. That's all it takes for me to start imagining senior prom with him and sometimes I will even imagine a future with him because that's how messed up my brain is.

I stop once again to let out a breath I didn't know I was holding before returning to pacing around my room like a fucking psychopath.

Why do I always end up here? Why do I always fall for someone I can't have? Why do I always choose to do something that'll only intensify my emotions? Why do I always end up screwing everything up? And why oh why, do I always end up making the same mistake over and over again? It's almost like I enjoy mentally destroying myself. Then rebuild the walls around me only to completely annihilate them, over and over.

The sound of the doorbell snaps me back to reality. I walk over to my mirror and take a second, to actually try to pull myself together. I think I managed.

I hesitate for a moment before unlocking the door and therefore letting my guard down. I am now completely exposed and vulnerable. All of me is basically an achilles heel now. He must notice the fact that I'm tense because the first words to break the silence are him asking me "are you okay"?

"Uhm... I mean, to be honest" I say but hesitate, should I really be telling him the truth?

Last I time I tried to be honest it backfired on me into the next century! Meh, I've survived it twice. Might as well do it again, right!?

"I've had better days".

"And why's that" he replies and I think he's trying to make eye contact with me but I can't bear to look at him right now.

"Because some things are complicated ... Feelings are complicated" is all I can say.

Before I can react he wraps his arms around me. He pulls me so close that I am forced to rest my head against his chest. I seize the moment and take a deep breath, inhaling his cologne. It's a heavenly scent that sends me to cloud nine.

We remain like that for a few long minutes before he parts. Instantly the anxiety starts wreaking havoc in all of my body.

Did I do something wrong? Maybe he knows what I was doing and now thinks I'm even weirder than before.

I open my mouth to say something but all I do is stutter "Uh... D-did... Did I-I".

"Don't" he says and I finally make eye contact with him.

His eyes are mesmerizing and for a second I drown in them, completely forgetting where I am and what I am doing.

"Xayah" he exclaims, once again snapping me back to reality "What's wrong with you"?

If I tell you, I will lose you. And while I'm sure I would survive that, I don't want to.

"You really want to know" I ask not waiting for an answer "Because if I hand you the truth there's a one hundred percent chance I'll end up crushed, again".

That last word was so silent I'll be surprised if he heard it. I rest my eyes on his lips. They're perfect and his cupid's bow looks like it has been carved by the gods.

"I'm not here to break your heart, Xayah".

My heart stops and I looks at him in disbelief.

"I'm serious. I know what you've been through, these last three years must've been hell for you" he says with a hint of worry in his voice "Someone like you don't deserve that".

I'm not sure if I believe him. I want to but it all just seems so surreal. Out of all the girls he could date, he suggests he wants to date, me? Am I going insane for real?

"One more heartbreak might drive you over the edge, despite whatever you try to tell yourself. I don't want that for you".

We lock eyes and I hold my breath.

"I want to make you feel like it was worth it" he says "All the tears, the broken hearts, sleepless nights and sad texts. I want to make you feel like it was all worth it. Like I was worth waiting for".

I'm definitely going insane because there's no way in hell this is happening right now. What is wrong with you? Why are you like this?

I exhale.

Great. I'm thinking in second person point of view.

Tommen has a worried facial expression on his face and I'm about to say something but he beats me to it "But maybe that's not what you want".

He sounds incredibly insecure now and his facial expression changes from worried to sad. In panic I let out a deep sigh and wrap my arms around his neck. I stumble on the words as they leave my mouth "Yes! O-of course that's w-w-what I want. I just didn't th-think you would ever feel the same".

He remains silent and I'm about to re-freak myself out when he cups my face with his hands and gently presses his lips against mine. The kiss is sweet and it feels like a craving is finally being satisfied. A moan accidently slips past my lips. He lightly bites my lower lip, asking for entrance. Granted. My hands are roaming all over his body and he pulls my hair. I'm officially on cloud nine.

But only moments later I decide to break the kiss. The demons have started to run through my mind again.

To be honest, it wouldn't surprise me if it turns out he has played me all along. It would only be my regular luck. Sure he said he "would never break my heart" but after all, is it smart of me to actually trust him? One kiss can't erase the emotional hell I went through.


I've done it again, haven't I? Fallen for the same trick only to be part of someone's love game. Maybe I deserve it, for being so naive.


Seriously though. Who falls for the same lame game, not once, not twice but thrice!?


I'm snapped back to reality.

"You don't believe me" he says with a faint sigh and sadness in his voice "After everything, you still don't believe me"?

"It's complicated, okay" I blurt out with a hint of rage in my voice "The emotional torture won't go away with just one kiss and I thought that out of all people you would understand that better than anyone"!

Startled, he takes a step back and opens his mouth to say something but I shush him.

"Please, just leave".

"No, just listen okay" he says and I look away.

I'm too vulnerable to make eye contact with him. I'll either break or snap.

"I'm aware of the fact that your past won't go away easily, it'll always be a part of you and you know what? That's okay. I'm not just here for the pretty parts but the really ugly and destructive parts as well because I'm hoping I can change that" his voice is soft but firm "I'm hoping you're at least willing to give me a chance to try".

The demons in my head are telling me this is just another part of his game while something in my heart is telling me I want this. Although, unlike my brain, my heart is completely oblivious to the fact that this could actually destroy me for good.

It's all or nothing. I can either take a leap and start something, that'll either lift me up or destroy me, or I can turn around and isolate myself again to avoid another possible heartbreak. I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do! I love him. I really do but I don't know if he's worth it?