Disappearing Acts

I am hiding behind a mask
A mask of my own making
With purpose
I turn up the opacity
On the already blurred picture
With its ripped and burnt edges
That attempts to capture my essence

Even to my own self
I stay hidden
Who the fuck am I anyways?
I will not attempt to re-open
The ever so cryptic Pandora's box
That is my fractured, morose mind
What lies there often scares me

To unleash such abysmal darkness
On myself and the world around me
Would ultimately cause disarray and disorder
So I never let my smile falter
Or allow the fraudulently and carefully constructed mask to slip
Feigning normalcy: a daily routine
A meticulous science
Which I must adhere to
For fear of all hell breaking loose

I am a loner
My solitude is often self inflicted and calculated
I build walls
To give the false illusion that I am impervious
Safe, intact and invulnerable
To keep others at arms length
So I cannot be damaged or judged by them
To prevent anyone from seeing how empty I truly am
Apathy is a different kind of pain
And there is, in fact, great pain in not feeling
I am a shadow: frail and unsubstantial
A mere sliver of the full person I once was

I am a hider
Everyday I adorn myself
In a cloak of invisibility
Each day you will see less and less of me
I am fading
Wasting. Waning.
Even I don't always feel that I am actually here
That I am existing
Surviving and living are two very different things

This confinement
And these subtle acts of vanishing
They allow me to survive
Yet prevent me from truly living
Everyday I look at others
Dejected and utterly bewildered
How do they do it?
Just live normally?
Be happy, fulfilled?
Or even simply be?
I wish I knew how
I wish I could just be ok
But vivacity and wellness are such illusive concepts
For a brain so dysfunctional

I am a ghost
Shuffling aimlessly around alongside the living
As though I am still a part of this world
As though I am one of them
But I am a creature of a different sort
Making me unable
Unable to reach out and touch them
Unable to speak my truths, have them heard
Unable to connect
I don't feel tethered to this earth or this existence anymore

I am disappearing...