We as humans love habits. Either bad ones or good ones. They are a big part of our life. They say it takes just 21 days to make a new habit. I cannot even imagine how much habits we made without noticing over the years. Actually, breathing is a habit, too. Well, more like a reflex. I think over the years things that were just habits can become to reflexes. They are not just things we like to do anymore. They are a part of us. They belong to us. And we belong to them. We do not control them anymore, they control us.

I have been in love with a guy for nearly 6 years now. He has never made a serious move on me. He has never showed more than normal attention for me. Still, I was holding onto him. It was just a thing I did. I never questioned my affection for him. I was just in love with him. Of course, I tried getting over him but I always came back.

I never really got to know him. I was too shy. He was 2 years older. So, I used my imagination. As a result, he could be anything I wanted him to be.
I never thought of him as a human, like me. He was always something else. For me, he was like a god or something. I always thought of an excuse when he made a mistake or something.
As I got older, I got braver. I managed to talk normally to him. I had to. He was kind of a part of our group. But I still thought of him as a some special creature.
I guess the plot point of this tragic movie, also known as my love life, was when he suddenly kissed me. The imagination became real. Suddenly there was a real chance of getting together with him. All the pain, the tears and those six years were worth for something.
But nothing is that simple. Fear of commitment, lack of belief and the fact that he was drunk when he kissed me. All reasons or maybe more like justifications why he did not want to get together with me.
My dream was not real. It was devastating. It felt like those 6 years of sacrifice, pain and energy were for nothing.
At this point I somehow realized that I am worth something. That I matter.
I spent those 4 months after the kiss biulding up self-worth. Realizing the fact that it is important how I feel. That I had deserved better.
Then I saw him again. When I am with him I do not care about myself anymore. I do not care about my feelings. I just try to make things better for him. Even though he does not deserve it. It is a reflex. How am I able to learn to stop breathing?
Maybe it will kill me. But I could also awake from an unconsciousness and keep on living with a new insight on breathing.

Love should not be this way. Yes, I did love him. Maybe I still do. But in the process of loving him, I stopped loving myself. And I will not choose him over myself! Not again.