So in 6th grade, 2nd day of school, my anxiety came up. I wanted to give up. This time I went to therapy twice a week. My therapist recommended me to talk to a psychiatrist and my psychiatrist prescribed me pills for depression and anxiety. I took them and my anxiety got worse. I would always cry and be scared of everything. I thought about running away, committing suicide, and just ignoring everybody.

There was one morning when my parents carried me into the car to go to school. We rode to school and they tried to get me outside of the car. They tried carrying me, I was too strong and kept myself inside the car. My dad was disappointed and looked like he was going to cry. My mom was pissed off and looked so stressed out. We stayed in the car by the school for a good 15 minutes trying to get me out of the car and enter the school. I did not at all. We drove back home and my mom did not want me inside the house. She wanted me in our backyard.

When we got home, I got out the car and ran to my backyard. I sobbed and sobbed. I have a pool house. Kind of like a huge shed with an attic. Anyways. There was a bucket full of utensils for a barbeque. In the bucket there was a knife. I grabbed it and pointed the tip to my heart. I cried even more and threw the knife across the room. I ran up to the attic and got on the floor and cried even more. When I had the knife pointed to my heart, so many questions and thoughts went through my mind in just 2 seconds.

  • what are you doing
  • you have a family that loves and cares about you
  • you have a dog
  • you have clothes
  • you have god
  • why give up
  • you have food

All these went through my mind so quick. My mom came to the pool house about 10 minutes later. She told me to come back inside. I did not want to but then I did. The next day my brother, dad, and I went for a walk early in the morning before school. I wanted to attempt to go to school. I came back home and felt good. Then I threw up in my toilet. I cried because I tried everything to not have anxiety.

I was so depressed. I locked the bathroom door. In the cabinet of the restroom there are liquids for cleaning up the bathroom. I mixed them up and sipped it. I felt like I could not breathe. My parents were attempting to unlock the door but I held on to the knob. Then I let go of the knob and they saw me in the floor crying. My mom was telling me to get ready for school. My dad said it was fine for me to stay home that day because I attempted to go back to school. My dad said tomorrow is a new day. So I got lucky I guess.

I stopped taking the pills because I knew it was making my anxiety worse. There was one night when I fell asleep until 5:00 am. I was writing my thoughts on my notebook. I was writing down that I did not want to live, god does not help me, I'm tired, and I'm sad. I threw away that notebook the next day. My parents tried to make me go back to school. I did not go at all. I just gave up. Attempting to go back to school was hell. I do not want to live in hell no more. Which is really bad. I can't believe I gave up.

The teachers sent me schoolwork to my house. I finished all of it but did not attend school. Then I told my parents that I'm not going back to school. My parents were disappointed but then they also wanted me to be homeschooled. So I missed out a whole semester. 3 months of no school. In those 3 months I cleaned up the house with my mom. I was a bit depressed, just a little. I did not have my iPad so I was bored. There was an old iPhone 4 that I saw in my living room. I asked my mom if I could use it. She said yes. I only used it to listen to music. Music helped me. It made me happy. Also made me found out what I want to do when I get older.
I want to become a music producer / edm DJ.
I am so glad that I don't have to deal with this issue anymore. I still sometimes get small anxiety attacks when I go to the airport. Only at the airport. I was depressed, but now I'm okay. I am homeschooled. I passed 6th grade which is crazy because I only did one semester and still passed. Now I'm in 7th grade. I plan on going back to a public school when I start high school.

Quick tip : good things happen even when you make bad decisions. don't think suicidal because life is beautiful. which is corny I know, but it really is. you just have to live it. people always say you have to be smart in life but it does not mean you need straight a's or good money to be smart in life. you need to live life and learn. good things really happen. I went to cancun, L.A, and san diego over the summer! just spread positivity, smile, be confident, and fix whatever the hell you want to fix.