Lost. Empty. Those are the words that come to mind when I stop thinking. When i stop trying to distract myself with irrelevant feelings or activities.
Misunderstood. Is what I am. By myself to myself. But at the same time, I know exactly what I want and need. I am part of a constant battle where my enemy is my own self. And the odds? They are limits that are set by myself, to myself.
Question marks. It's the only certain thing I know. That I'm aware that I'm not aware of something. And I try and try to acknowledge the possibility that it might all be in my head, a fence created by my own fears. Created by myself, to myself. But then again no.
Disappointed. Hurt. Those are the words that describe my past. Words that haunt me still. But invited in by who? By myself to myself.
How? Such a short and simple word, yet the answer to it would unleash many blockages created by myself, to myself. Like, how to love unconditionally when i've lost my innocence, oh so long ago. How to give all of myself again when all of myself is filled with fear. How can I jump into someone's arms when the past arms I've wanted to fall into, failed to catch me.
To Love myself. Something I lack but should be done, only by myself to myself.
To forgive and forget. Exactly what I fail to do. Knowing it is necessary for the well being of my soul.
But is it possible? How can you love and respect yourself, set your boundaries and yet, love and forgive those that did you wrong? It is what I struggle most with. Can these two ingredients to happiness be mixed into one? They seem like opposites to me. Like, like water and oil. And I find myself being torn into taking the decision.

My mind is a storm, a tornado. Taking everything that crosses it's path, both good and bad. Not knowing what to take and what to throw away. Letting all these things get to the heart of the tornado and becoming what? A wrecking mess. Created by myself to myself.

Joyful, loving. Those are the words that come to mind when i have to describe myself.
Hope. Is what a feel when I look ahead. Is what I know is coming for me. And will get here how? By myself to myself.
Love. Fulfilment. Is what I feel within me, is what makes me feel home.
Without a worry. The state of mind I should be in because I know I am at reach of my dreams, of everything I desire.
Faith? What I need to hold on to.

The present. The period of time now occurring. The period of time where my fear meets my ambition, my hope.
I am the past, I am the future. I am fear and I am hope. I am fading just as I am becoming. I am confused. I am woke. I am oh so many things. Unfortunately all at once. Or maybe, fortunately...
Maybe I am a tornado, maybe I am a storm, a mess. But maybe, just maybe I am a beautiful mess. A storm with a rainbow.
Maybe I had to be wrecked. A wrecked person that became everything they're not. It takes pain to know joy. Hurt is needed to become stronger, to appreciate when things are going right. To create a balance.
And maybe that is it. That is the only explanation to why, to how.
Maybe I was meant to fall, so I could fly above. So I could know where and where not to go.
After all, I might have suffered, I might have been misunderstood, unappreciated, unwanted, my worth not being acknowledged, but I remain with a heart of gold.
I remain undefeated, since I am still standing. Since I still have dreams, hopes. Since I still feel, I remain alive.

-N. M.