There she was. Where? … Somewhere. Maybe here, maybe there. Just somewhere, feeling lost and empty. Feeling broken or feeling nothing at all. Stupid girl, you were told when you get older all your fears would shrink but now you’re insecure and you care what people think. You have scars and you have stitches, they see you’re bleeding but they don’t care. No one does. Poor Eva. Poor you. What happened?
Eva pressed the button of the bedside lamp. It was completely dark. Just a faint light. A gleam through the opened window.
-God, help me, … please! – Eva said, while taking a deep breath.
She stood up gazing across that light. It was far, far away. As far as her hopeless dreams. Dreams?! Perhaps nightmares! Oh, she couldn’t sleep. The monsters were stronger than she thought they could be. Stronger, ruthless…!.Yes, they didn’t stay under her bed, they whispered inside her head.
Night was darker this time, perhaps the darkest night of her life. She wanted to disappear as the black veil of the night wrapped Eva with her arms.
Silence…! Eva stared at the family photo. It was taped to her locker, and she was staring at the photo as if she could escape and bring back her life if she stared hard enough. They all looked so happy in that photo. She looked so happy - the opposite of what she was now.
-I am okay. I think. But I do not know. I have a family. I have a goldfish? … But do I? Sometimes my dreams make me doubt all of this. Sometimes I wake screaming in the dead of night, and have to run to the mirror to reassure myself that a bullet has not shattered my skull. Sometimes even my mother’s arms are not enough to comfort me.... I wake. In the middle of the night. I'm charring with the heat of the fire just seconds ago in my dream. Why is this happening to me? Why must I constantly live in fear of the night. And then. Flashback.
She is a bird with broken wings, unable to fly. And now the night is a place of terror. She wakes in a dark room, laying in a bed adorned with green floral sheets. The numbers on the clock blink calmly.
-I cry… I'm crying inside and no one will know but me! Pain doesn't hurt when it’s all you ever felt.I'm so close to the edge, … I'm going to fall over. I'll pretend like nothing is wrong and smile but really inside I'm crying and I feel so close to death, wish I could just die because I can't take my own life away…!
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-I'd feel like a coward so I try to face reality, and slowly begin to cry for all of those undesirable memories and the time I am living in now. I can't find a way out. Sometimes I catch a break for a while, I can say I'm even happy. So glad it's over but a second later everything goes wrong. I loose my head and fall into pieces. I tell you my heart’s fragile. But why tell you? You’re going to break it more than it already is, you'll hurt me even more, and every time this happens I feel as if to fall into a deep hole of despair, I am depressed with distress. I don't know what to do, I'm lost and lonely. I can't make it . Just make me disappear and help me never come back.
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Tears, Tears, Tears.
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-How can I pretend to be so happy, but in the back of my mind wish to be dead? How do I pretend to still love that person who broke my heart ? How do I continue to keep that smile on my lips when all I want to do is cry? – Eva said.
~~~
That night was so long, oh so long. It seemed like eternity! … Eva woke up, … shocked? Opened her eyes, yeah it was only just a dream.
-What’s going on? –she asked, while moving the curtains. I’m sure it was nothing, just a real-life nightmare. It was so real…! I was so scared.
The sun was shining, as it did everyday, and Eva was convinced about her suspicious dream. Hoping that her life would never be as miserable as it appeared in her vision. However, the premonition was just the first sign of her dual personality, expressing her dark side only at night.