Dear mom,
I remember exactly what you were wearing the last night I saw you
The way your oversized T-shirt sat over the boobs you paid for
I remember how I liked the smell of your fake tan because you didn’t like being too pale
I remember how you died your hair back to brown after years of being blonde because you didn’t want me to recognize you if I saw you on the streets
I remember how your badly injected lips kissed me and how I kinda liked them because they made you different
I remember how your hair was imperfectly perfect in a bun
But I also remember how your acrylic nails would poke me when you helped me get dressed every morning before school
I remember how frustrated you would get by my tangled hair when you brushed it and hit me on the top of my head with the brush
I remember how you would get annoyed by how long it took to dry my hair so you would “accidentally” hit me with it
I remember how you would call me a stupid b**ch because I wanted to be pretty like you
I remember how you would yell at my dad when he went out to drink because you thought he was cheating, just to cover up your sins
I remember how you blamed him too but you were the one who gave him those things on his lips because you were fooling around with other men
I don’t plan on being like you or your mother
Maybe you’re the reason why I look down when I reach the darkest floor of the house because maybe I'm afraid of looking up and seeing you with the other people I lost
I’m afraid because I don’t really know if the first thing I wanna do is show you pain or show you love
You’re the blood going through my veins messing up the whole system
You’re the reason I look at myself in the mirror comparing myself to other girls because I have your body
You’re the reason I don’t believe anyone when they tell me they love me because I know that they would choose someone else over me and the happiness won’t last long
You’re the reason why I want kids because I want to be better than you
Dad never got it right but at least he’s here
I remember how I tried to protect you when I was a little girl
I stood in front of you when everyone else was against you
I didn’t know that you were trying to leave me
That night I slept in my aunt's room wondering if you were ok
If only I knew that you were trying to leave because maybe I wouldn’t protect you so you could stay with me
Sincerely,
Your daughter