So I'm just gonna put it out here. For days I feel like shit only because of appearances of others. I saw a girl with longer hair than me, I cut it off because I saw someone else with short hair and it looked cute, and now I regret it because the girl with long hair also looked cute. I'm really tired of seeing myself as not good enough. I gained weight over the last 6 months because of emotional eating. I am so sick of not being able to be happy with myself.

I have a boyfriend and he's been a real good friend in the past two years, but I don't want to tell him about my feelings. He does everything to make me happy and it is the most epic love I have ever experienced and I don't want to hurt him. I see this as my problem but he knows something is up.

Lately I try to convince myself that everything is okay, and what I write now comes from the most dark places in my mind; so it is not that bad I guess.

I have things I'm proud of that encourage me to keep going. About a year ago, I wanted to go to a gym and work on my body and my self-esteem, but I was to scared; what will people think of me? Don't I look like a fool? What if I embarrass myself? Will people laugh? I even thought about the craziest things like 'I'm too fat to be in a gym', which is ridiculous.

But I'm going to the gym now sinds May. It is only once a week but it's more for me than just going, it is about my mind and how I handle the 'going to the gym'. It's weird to explain. I'm planning on going more often, but I'm still a little bit frightened. Just like now, instead of being pathetic about myself I could go to the gym, but I guess it is a little more complicated.

But still; I have to stop making up excuses.

I don't look at others that much anymore. I try to look at me and what I want and how I'm gonna get it.

Writing it down really works. Have a nice week