prolouge

dear reader,

these words are the words
never uttered
they are filled with
pain
love
hate
sadness
guilt
take these words
these crushing words
and strip them down
down the the bones
and framework
it was made from
//how words become poetry//

……………………………………………………………………………............................

the first shooting star- love

you taught me
how to love

you taught me
how to be patient

you taught me
how to care for others

you shaped me
into the young woman
i am now

and for that

i say
thank you

to the moon
and back
//motherly love//

you are
the apple
of my eye
//endless love//

love
should be
like fine wine
preserved
cherished
//fermentation//

love like 90s r&b music
//all up in my feelings//

the day
you said forever
was the day
my heart surrendered
//the beginning//

all the gold
and diamonds
could be in my hands
but
i would
trade it all
for a minute
in your arms
//love over money//

like water
you were
everything
i needed
everything
i wanted
//life sustaining//

your hand on my leg
your head against mine
your eyes staring at me
a goofy grin plastered
on your face
//drunken love//

you were my adderall
//ADD//

i never knew
that love
changes
so
much
//earth shattering//

i fell in love
with the color
brown
//brown eyed boy//

“what is the difference between i like you and i love you?” he asks.

“i like you means means you like the thought of the person, i love you means you don't care about the person's flaws. your irrationally head over heals for them.” i say as i read my book.
//concentric circles//

your touch
ignites
my soul

sets
my body
aflame
//pyromaniac//

our hands
tentatively
touched
our fingertips
created electricity
our palms
created heat
//magic//

every kiss
made me feel
alive
//resuscitation//

you spoke
the words
my soul knew by heart
//soul mates//

you gave me
the whole damn universe
within our universe
//loved//

i never took you for granted
because if i did

i would be
like everyone else
who's hurt you

before me
//i can't imagine my life without you//

…………………………………………………………………………………………………

the second shooting star- turmoil

the waves
were unnervingly
unwavering
relentless
in its
pursuit
for
destruction
//internal war//

the cursive letters of your name
are tattooed on my damaged heart
//pain//

i don't understand
how you could
hurt me
when you said
you loved me
//synonyms and antonyms//

i loved
so much

that i forgot
to love
myself
//the importance of loving yourself//

i fell in love
with your smile
that damn smile
was my weakness
that damn smile
was my demise
//kryptonite//

“i love you” he says
as he grasps my waist

“i love you too” echos in my head
but i can't say it

because i knew
one day
you would betray
me
//the incapability of love//

a heart for a heart
kills a foolish
love stricken
human
//two wrongs don't make a right//

how can
you make me feel
so free
yet so contained?
//contradictions//

i never knew
a person
could make me hate
a beautiful song
//remembering//

‘goodbye’
was never
ment
to mean
forever
//you said you'd never leave//

your lies
kept me up
all night
and
i find it hard
to tell between
what's real
and what not
//did you ever love me?//

i've given
you everything

and yet

i've gotten nothing
in return
//used//

the countless nights

i was up thinking
about you
and me
outnumbered
the nights
i had thought
about the prospects
of us not having a future together

that was my greatest fall

i failed to see
that you had fallen out of love
long before i had fallen out of love with you

i was but a mere convenience
giving you everything i had
down to my heart and soul

but you decided
a long time ago
that you wanted
body instead of mind
//you//

when you see her
you think of me
the words she says
doesn't captivate you
like mine did
you drool over her
like a damn dog
but you get bored quickly
just lusting
over her
//(no) second chances//

you did this to me

you made me love too hard

you brought back these unwanted feeling

i hate you

i love you

i don't know
//drunk drugged confused//

my first mistake
was trusting

my second mistake
was loving

my third mistake
was hurting

my fourth and last mistake
was changing who i am

for him
//denial//

…………………………………………………………………………………………………

the third shooting star- sadness

you were blue
and i was red

and together
we made purple

and i painted
the sky
our color

and now
that we are
over

i can never
look at the sky
the same again
//not a purple lover anymore//

the pursuit
of happiness
is inconceivable
to someone whose
been hurt too much
//broken down body//

i changed
for you

the harsh lines
you hated

i made them smoothe

and yet you're still
unhappy

with me
//confused//

who put that fear
in your heart
and let it spread
like a disease?
//him//

all
the life given
but none returned
//life and the absence of it//

love spoke to the heart

but it refused
//betrayal can change a person//

laying together
hand in hand

you whispered
sweet nothings

that shook me
to my core
//lonely hearts club//

the wind danced
with the leaves
it was a sad dance
between lovers
knowing that
one day
they would
have to part
//winter comes//

i can't see

my emotions
are blinding me
//emotions are a beautiful yet cruel thing we are given//

i was too naive
i was too willing to understand
i cared too much
and got so little in return
i realized that i would never get anything back
//too trusting//

if i knew
loving you
would hurt me so bad
i would have still fallen
for you
over and over
again
//love//

if love was easy
everyone
would be in love
//life//

they warned me
to stay away
from a thing
called love
but like a fool
i found it
and like
a love struck
idiot
i don't regret it
//a damn fool//

even a broken heart
can heal
over time
//it's okay//

everytime i see you
im reminded
of our universe
of our language
and now
i don't know
how to speak
to you
anymore
//dead languages//

it's ok
to fall for someone

love
isn't a mistake

it's a lesson
//learn from it//

i never meant for you
to
mean
so
much
to
me
//avoidant personality disorder//

forever
is supposed to mean forever
not maybe a few months
//don't say it unless you mean it//

the happy
and sad tears
mixed together
and at that moment
i couldn't tell
them apart
//our end//

our time spent together
is
was
and will
always be
my favorite memories
//i will never forget you//

when you fall in love with someone
you don't just move on
you can't move on
they could have cheated
never loved you at all
and you can break up with them
but even then
that love
will never leave
//love for a certain person never truly goes away//

and i shiver
not out of coldness
but out of emptiness
//soul in pieces//

i told myself
i wouldn't cry
but i knew
i would
//broken hearted//

even a broken heart
can heal
over time
//stitched together//

the 5 stages of falling in love:
staring
taking non stop about them
talking non stop to them
thinking about a relationship with them
gathering the courage to ask them out
//endless cycle//

who knew
a name
could mean
so much more
than a name
//multiple meanings//

“i love you”
shouldnt
be easy
to say
//truth//

how to tend to a broken heart:
cry
talk to family or friends
listen to sad music
repeat till you piece your heart
back together again
//sadness is a broken hearted persons best friend//

…………………………………………………………………………………………………

the fourth shooting star- anger

these words
were written
for you

read them
//forewarning//

you took
love out
of my heart

but

i put fear
in your mind
//vindictive behavior//

you’ve given me
the ability to lie
all from
being near you
//toxic//

there is only so much
a person can take
till they explode
//you will fall one day//

you say i'm the one
who broke your heart
but youve been
chasing a girl
who doesn't like you
right after were over
and i'm the one
who's still in love
with you
//anger flows through me like lava//

everyone
tells me
im special
in a good way
but that's a lie
cut the pandering
bullshit
don’t lie
to my face
just
dont
//tell me the truth//

a troubled teen
makes a
rebellious child
//revolutionary tendencies//

shut up
shut up
shut up
shut up
shut up
shut up
SHUT UP
//bottled up opinions//

tick
tock
time
for
the
bomb
to
pop
//ka-boom//

tunnel vision
//anger issues//

…………………………………………………………………………………………………

the fifth shooting star- depression

baby girl, when did you lose the sparkle in your eye?
//a long time ago//

oh how a smile
can mean much more
//acting 101//

i've said too much
oh no
i'm out of luck
//unfiltered//

it hurts to think

it hurts to

it hurts
//someday the pain will fade//

i hoped
and dreamed
and prayed
for so long
i forgot
what i
was
searching
for all
along
//sigh//

bit by bit
im eroding
deteriorating
withering away

and one day
ill run out

and all
that will
be left
will be
remnants of
what i was
//soil erosion//

the world,
it's such a cruel place
//baby dont hurt me//

if you
could see
inside
my mind
you
would
be
scared
//infected//

when everyone
tells you
“no”
it's hard
to live life
and not
look down
on yourself
//denied//

fake people
living
in a
plastic perfect
world
//be real//

thinking the worst
before the best
//pessimissium//

when all you do is cry
for the world
that's when you know
the world has broken you down
//complete and utter defeat//

what if
the continuation
of never
progressing
was mistaken
for happiness
//deep thinking//

like a plane
left on autopilot
left to crash
and burn
//midnight thoughts//

help me
save me
i can't
save myself
//drowning//

a true fact:
there is almost 210 million orphans in the world and 15% of them will commit suicide
//why?//

society has made
people
more suppressed
and
less expressive
//changing tides and rocky times//

i
embrace
my
fear
//it's alive//

death
doesn't scare me
i scare
myself
//ghost town//

i
cant
escape
my
nightmares
//night terrors//

i try not to think
because if i do
my thoughts
wander back to you
//出生妈妈//

your eyes
dont
look like mine
your hair
does not
look like mine
why don't i look like you?
//realization//

hold me
touch me
never let me go
//abandonment issues//

i see darkness

it scares me
//nyctophobia//

the feeling of
not being wanted
//it crushes the soul and in itself, the person//

inhale
in hale
//anxiety attack//

losing you
has broken
yet healed me

you meant more than the world
you were my anchor
and with you gone
i was lost
in grief and anger

i wished that
i had more time
with you
//marie//

sad girl
in a
sad world
//8 foot walls//

i never asked
to be born
//carrying the weight of not knowing who you are on shoulders not fit to carry it//

i'm scared

what if
i let people
in

what if
i get attached

what if
//questioning oneself//

why are you sad
how can i make
you happy?
//you before me//

i dreamed big

but forgot
that dreams

are only
dreams
//sad so young//

i don't cry

i don't

i

cry
//salty waterfall//

smile
smile
smile
sad
smile
smile
smile
//6 out of 7//

i'm tired
//there's a difference//

i want to believe
in love again
but i'm afraid
of heartbreak
//cold fear//

insecurities
fester
from
negativity
//insidious//

i ponder
i question
i think
too much
thats
how
it started
that's how
it will
end
//crippling depression//

happiness costs $74.99
//100 of the 100 mg tablets of Sertraline//

whispers flutters around me as i pass
“why does she look different?”
“her eyes are small and squinty”
“can she even see through them?”
“her black eyes and black hair make her look like a demon”

it hurts

it really hurts
//ostracized child//

they might
not know it
but it hurts
//little things//

"i'm sorry"
was stuck on my lips
when I exhaled
my last breath
//hurting on the inside//

sometimes
i have the urge
to be one
of the stars too
//astrophile//

i hate the hospital
they're scary
//one too many trips//

there is nothing
more sicken

yet satisfying

than crimson blood
dripping from an
open wound
//cutting//

one more time
i can skip again
one more time
won't kill me
//anorexia//

when everyone
looks at you
like an alien

that is when
you'll regret
your actions
//i made the fatal mistakes that left jagged scars on my skin//

the red dragon
//cancer//

we're like shooting stars
with its fleeting beauty
yet extinguishable luster
//unfinished constellations//

“i sorry i didn't know. i'm sorry i didn't see your sadness. i'm sorry i didn't see your pain.” my mom whispers as tears stream down her face like flowing rivers.

“it's okay. it's my fault. everything is my fault. i should have held it in more. i should have hid it better. i should have never said anything. i'm sorry. i'm so sorry for being like this.” i say as my voice breaks.
//confronting demons//

Dear self,
i never meant to hurt you
i never meant to steal that smile away
i never meant for you to hurt yourself
i never meant for this to happen
i'm sorry
i'm so sorry
//i am my worst nightmare//

…………………………………………………………………………………………………

the sixth shooting star- acceptance

when we fell apart
i pondered
what was wrong
with me

and that's when it hit me

it was him

no one should
make me feel like it's just
my fault

when it takes two people
to be in a relationship
//plum blossom//

all the hurt
that was given
was received
take it
and like a flower
let it grow
//spring is upon us//

crying
is not
a weakness
it is
a release
of emotions
//let it out//

who gives a damn
if you had a past
burn that book
make a new one
be the author
not a character
//to hell with the order of everything//

you made me
see my flaws
you made me
the best parts of me
you made me
love myself again
and for that
i thank you
//people can change you for the better//

stress is a part of life
you cannot live without it
at least plaguing you once

learn to deal with it
control it
otherwise
you will only hurt yourself
//heed my warning//

don't blame a dead horse
for not taking you
to your destination
//take blame for the mistakes you've done//

turn sadness
into happiness
//happy machine//

it takes time
to repair yourself

take your sweet time

don't rush a masterpiece
//patience//

i miss you,

god

i never thought
id reeling for
so long

but i'm healing
//the first step//

one day

i'm going
to wake up

and look back
at everything
i've been through

and smile
contently
//half full//

i look back
at everything
i've done
with my life

and what i've
become

and i don't
regret
a damn
thing
//acceptance//

…………………………………………………………………………………………………

the seventh shooting star- wisdom

dear reader,
do not dwell
on the possibility
of impossibility
//overthinking is never good//

self worth
is a lesson
that only time
teaches
//lesson 1//

if i treated people
how i was treated
i would be none
the wiser
//taoism//

the difference
between
right
and wrong
is the choice
you make
//decisions//

you cannot expect
everything
to be handed to you
just because you want it

you learn to bend
to the will of the universe
and earn everything
yourself
//hard work and dedication//

if you high dive
into an ocean
of expectations

be prepared
//don't drown//

money
has no value
we give it value
//capitalism//

race
separates
divides
and conquers
//then versus now//

the grains of sand

slip through
the fingers
of people

who do not
understand

the concept
of morality
//limited time//

love
not
hate
//equality//

fear inhibits
one's aspirations
//overcome//

human emotions
are simple
yet so
complicated
//understanding humans is a difficult task//

people can't fix
other people
if you need healing
you have to find
the solution
yourself
//soul searching//

look at the sky
it's a new day
//nothing lasts forever//

silence
is where
you will
find
yourself
//self discovery//

the sun gives the soul hope
the moon gives the soul strength
//spirituality//

dont regret
just do
//live life vicariously through yourself//

if you are pretty
on the inside
it will show
//let it shine//

“i can give you anything you want” money says

“yes, but can you provide happiness? can you give me love?” the heart asks
//what's really important//

we weren't born
to be extinguished
we were born
to burn
brighter
than
any flame
//phoenix//

there's no need to date
if you're not ready
relationships
are like nature
there is a time
when winter flourishes
and spring prospers
//don't rush into something monumental//

there are times where you are strong
and there are times when can be utterly weak

its called being human

embrace it
//these faults make us wonderful//

what's a word
without a meaning
//just an idea//

ying
always
needs
yang
//balance//

if you love yourself
you will find love
//stay true to you//

unity
starts
with u
n
i
//1st step//

…………………………………………………………………………………………………

the eight shooting star- confidence

everything
you didn't like
someone else did
//i am loved//

all my “flaws”
we're “flawless”
//confidence in oneself is greatness//

say it to my face
not behind my back
//female dogs//

perfect is not a person
perfect is not a thing
perfect is a word
not a definition
of what a human should be
//misleading words don't make a person a person//

believe what you believe
live the life you want

but never
disrespect
another person’s

beliefs
and
decisions
//one world//

don't say goodbye
when you
didn't say hello
//people who never stay//

if you don't try
i won't try
//give and take//

born
adorned
with dreams
and hope
but never given
the chance
to give it
life
//don't die regretting things you didn't do//

someone once told me “you have to wear makeup because you are a girl”

and at the time, i believed it

but as time passes by

i realize that, that's not true

i DON'T have to wear makeup to solidify i am a girl

i am a girl no matter what i wear

end of discussion
//force fed reality//

since when
was it a woman's duty
to look a certain way?
to act like doctile submissives?
//woman have a say//

why
do
i
have
to
find
myself
for
everyone
else?
//identity//

when did
the color of my skin
or the gender
i was born as
become my identity?
//fluidity//

i used to think
i needed someone
to make me happy
to achieve things in life

but i realized that
i can achieve anything
i set my mind to
as long as i believe
in myself
//confidence//

adrenaline
courses through
my veins
like wildfire
//temporary high//

never be content with being static
push yourself

exceed your expectations

achieve the unachievable

show everyone who said you couldn't
that you
could
will
and did
//the odds are against us//

statistically
speaking
there's a
million and one
chance
of becoming
someone
but statistics
cannot deter
my
determination
//statistics are only words and numbers//

………………………………………………………………………………………..............

the ninth shooting star- changing perspective

life
is
art
//beautifully creative//

a picture

is much more

than just
a picture
//art//

i have
the ability
to transform
reality
subliminally
//illusion//

my view
has changed
i no longer see
trees
as just trees
i no longer see
life
as just life
i see more
i see less
//hidden secrets//

inverted

extroverted

upside down
and backwards

meshed together
falling apart

and beautifully
strange
//an artist's perspective//

“why do humans hate me so much?” death asks.

“because you speak the dark truth” life responds.

“why do humans love you so much?” death asks.

“because i speak hope filled lies” life responds.
//dangerous//

there is more
to life
than black and white
/color theory//

“i die every time the breaking of dawn comes, for you.” the moon say.

“why? why would you sacrifice your life for
me?” the sun asks.

“because the world needs to see your beauty, you light up the sky with your brilliant shine.” the moon admits.
//love for the sun//

stained
tattered
broken
with a hint
of sangria
on cherry
stained lips
//roses are red//

the mind's eye

cloud nine
//nirvana//

cigarette smoke
billows
in the wind

surrounding
my head

and

clouding
my sight
//blissfully blind//

the adventure
of wandering
excites the spirit
//mind, body, and soul//

the intricacy
of space
and
the universe
intrigues
human
curiosity
//space man//

love
life
and death
write
a beautiful sonnet
//shakespearean//