Dear Noone,

I don’t really know who I’m writing this to, or what I’m writing about, but this is a start I guess. It’s been hard, without him I mean. I don’t think I’m ever going to find anyone else. If this is what love feels like I don’t wanna feel it anymore. I have never felt more alone in my life, he showed me the light and what it felt like to be cared about and now that he’s gone all that surrounds me is the darkness. But I know I hurt him, and I don’t know what else to say other then I’m sorry. But there is two sides to every story and this is mine. I don’t think he really understood the sadness that consumed me, it paralyzed me, it filled up every single ounce of my body, there was nothing I could do to make it stop, no matter how hard I tried and tried the darkness had taken its toll on me and I for one had given in to it. The pain I feel stings me, it feels like someone is constantly pouring salt onto my open wounds, and the doubt it plagues me, the doubt that makes me feel like love is a risk no longer worth taking. I feel like it’s my fault. I tried for a really long time just to protect myself, pretending I didn’t care and building a wall between us, strong and thick enough to keep a tempest of emotions at bay. I promised I would keep myself safe, I wouldn’t let harm come my way, and nobody could come in unless I really wanted them to, unless I was ready… But how prepared could I have been? It happened all in the blink of an eye, and suddenly there was a new warmth to him, like the sunshine that came after the rain. Piece by piece, the walls came down, and then one day he found a way through. I tried to talk to him but he wouldn't listen “be careful” I warned. “You’re treading new territory. I don’t want anything to happen to you, I don’t want you to be disappointed.” He wouldn’t take in any of what I was saying, I was scared for him. But he was so confident, he stood so powerful yet as vulnerable as ever. I listened as he found his voice, and I listened as the feelings materialized, his words ran through the air and echoed inside my head like ripples in still water. It’s dark here, but my heart remembers the light in his eyes and the sparkle in his smile. But yet I still wish that I had never met him. Then there would be no need to impress him. No need to want him. No need for loving him. No need for crying over him. No need for heartbreaks. No need for pain or tears. No need for forgotten promises. No need for rejected hugs. No need for crying myself to sleep. No need for him pretending he cares. No need, for everything he’s done to make me feel like absolutely nothing. If I could show him how awful he made me feel, he would never be able to look me in the eyes again. Yet I say all these things I don’t hate him, and I don’t think I ever will, I just hate that he has turned into everything he said he would never be. It hurts, and it hurts so bad, it hurts to breathe because every breath I take proves I can’t live without him. I am suffocating in the loneliness. I am falling into the darkness of where he used to be. It’s like we’re not friends and we’re not enemies, we’re just strangers with some memories. I thought he still had feelings for me when we spoke that night, it was exactly the way it was before we broke up. But then the next day he ignored me like every other day and that’s how I knew I was wrong, I was holding onto false hope. With all the happiness and smiles he brought me I never thought he’d bring so much sadness and tears. The first time I met him, it wasn’t love at first sight, my love for him formed gradually. His personality, his voice, his hair, his eyes, his hands, his humour, the way he looked away and smiled, gradually it all became clear to me, he was exactly what I was looking for. It’s painful to say goodbye to someone you don’t want to let go. But it’s more painful to ask someone to stay if you know they really want to go, and just because I’m letting him go, does not mean I want to. I hate checking my phone thinking he’s gonna text me saying he misses me, but it’s never gonna happen, I’m just being naive. I am always going to care, and trust me I’m going to act like I hate him and I don’t care, but there’s nothing in this world I care more about then him. The hardest thing I have ever done is walk away while still madly in love with him. All the memories come back but he never does. I wanted to see him again, and say goodbye the way I wanted, but then I realised if I got my way I would never say goodbye. But today is the day I realised he doesn’t care, and then I realised he probably never did. It is important to know when something has reached its end. Like closing circles, shutting doors, finishing chapters, it doesn’t matter what we call it; what matters is to leave in the past those moments in life that are over, and this is one of those moments. I am bad with goodbyes and sometimes I think I shouldn’t say it. But then it hits me, he is smiling, he is laughing, he is happy. But it is not because of me. And if he ever starts to miss me, I hope he remembers I didn’t walk away, he let me go. I hope he has a nice life. I’m done trying to be in it.