First of all hi,hello,
I don't know why I'm writing this or if I'll post it, actually I just want it out of my head so I can see it and read it, also no idea why it had to be written here out of all the places but maybe there's someone out there as weird as me who also has to write down her/his thoughts to make them more real, if not, be free to stop reading.

Anyway, as always there are a lot of things going threw my mind. Usually I can distract myself with books or nerdy tv shows and push those thoughts down but today doesn't seem to be the day. Of course I can't write them all down because it really would be a story, boring one too, but here's a few:

-First of all I'm a 19 yrs old girl, 165 cm tall (don't know what that is in inches) and weight about 58/59 kg, it varies, now I'm aware that that is not fat, maybe to someone it is, but I can't help to be disgusted everytime I look my body in the mirror. Please don't get me wrong, I don't want to sound like I'm writing this because I need your sympathy, no, there's nothing that someone will say that'll change my mind. On the other hand I'm always the first one who'll spread body positivity images or quotes but seem to fail at applying it in my own life. Also, don't be alarmed, I don't starve myself, I eat, but it's after every bite that I wish I've not eaten at all. I get how fucked up and confusing that may sound, but it's just the way I feel. I've watched a video a while ago about some girl's opinion on her body, it had a sentance in it that really stuck out to me and it was : 'I only feel pretty when I'm hungry' and there's nothing that I can relate to more than that. I feel as if I'm overexaggerating so I push it down, but it got to me the other day when my mom read it from my whatsapp status and asked me is that really how I feel about my body, she seemed really hearbroken about it so I told her that it wasn't a big deal and that it's just something I read. Luckily she doesn't even know weheartit is.
-Also it's her birthday in 2 days and I've been meaning to buy her tickets for a concert because she deserves it, that and much more, but my grandfather who also lives with us is very sick, he's been getting worse and worse and I'm afraid that if someting happens to him while she's gone she would never forgive herself for going. It kills me to say this, but I'm prepared every morning to find him sleeping in his armchair, but this time it's forever kind of sleep. Of course I want him to stay with us for as long as possible, but when I see how he barely walks, how his bones are more visible every single day, how he lost sight on his right eye and barely even sees me anymore I want all of that pain to be gone for him, even if that means he'll be gone too.
-So here I am, 1 a.m. wide awake with my mind about to explode even though I have to be up in 5 hours for my work which I'm also anxious as fuck for (excuse my language but lately 'as fuck' has became a perfect measure for every situation). Again I don't want to overexaggerate, but if you're nervous everyday before you leave your house and have to plan every possible situation that can happen when you get there is it really just nervous?

I have friends who I could talk to about this but I feel none of them would understand so I guess it will stay either written here for only me to read or I actually posted this.