I saw you, but you didn't see me.

The first time I saw you was on a rainy Monday morning. School had just begun and everyone was either slouching their way to class or had a "I would rather die than be here" look on their faces. You were leaning against the wall, just watching people as they walked past you. You were the only one who wasn't slouching or looking like you'd rather die. You were smiling, your eyes shining bright. When people looked at you, their faces got brighter instantly. You had that affect on me too. But there was also something else. I felt as if something had clicked inside me and since then I wasn't able to get you out of my head. The only thing was...you didn't see me.
You picked up your bag off the floor, swung it over your shoulder and headed off to class.You carried on with your day as normal, focused during class and talked with your friends. I wasn't able to focus or do any of that properly. All I could think of was you, your smile and how ridiculously cheesy the whole situation was.

The next day I finally learned your name. I also learned that you had moved here from the neighboring town, about 30 minutes away. You were a junior like me but I hadn't seen you in any of my classes yet. I got excited and nervous at the same time. I can't say I already liked you then, but I was intrigued.

On Friday you were in my history class. I liked history, still do, but that day I couldn't keep myself focused on what the teacher was blabbering on about. Something about World War 2 I think. Instead of listening, I kept glancing your way and staring at the back of your head. It wasn't hard since you were sat on the row to my right and two desks over. And please don't get me wrong, I wasn't staring at you in a creepy way, just in a I find you interesting kind of way. Your hair, blondish but still brown, was messy, like you had just rolled out of bed. The basic bedhead look. Your shoulders were wide and I could see your back muscles through your gray T-shirt. Your arms looked strong and I wondered what it would have been like to be hugged by you. I know, I was kind of hopeless and pathetic but I was just a teenage girl, who had her eye on a teenage guy.
The bell rang and I woke up from my trans-like state. Students started collecting their things and heading out to attend their next classes. I watched you collect your things and walk out with the crowd of others.

I told my friends about you. Or more specifically I asked them about you. I found out that you were my best friends boyfriends lab partner. I couldn't believe my luck. Someone I knew, knew you. I didn't want to seem creepy, so I didn't ask that many questions about you. Just the basic "is he dating anyone?" and "what's he really like?" All I wanted to do was to talk to you and get to know you but at that time it was difficult.

Then, a year later you finally saw me. You didn't actually notice me, but you saw me. I smiled at you and you smiled back at me. I instantly knew I was hooked. But you didn't look at me again for a long time.

I thought everything was lost and all that it was, was just a hopeless crush. But as I'm here now, twenty years later, sitting across from our wedding photo, I know that's not all it was. You did notice me but by the time you did, time was starting to run out. Despite of all this, we still got to spend almost two decades together and they were the happiest years of my life. I love you and I always will.

Forever yours,


I run my eyes over the lines I've just written and I notice teardrops scattered all over the paper. I neatly fold it up, careful not to smudge the ink, and slip it into a white envelope. I then stand up, walk out and get into our car. I start up the engine and and pull out of the driveway.

At my destination, I pullover at the side of the road and stare blankly ahead for a good ten minutes. Maybe I'm preparing myself because I haven't really gotten used to the idea or sight of this.
I eventually get out of my car and walk along the path formed onto the grass. The earth smells of rain and the air is fresh. I take it all in as I come to a stop near a tall tree. I look down and I see you. You've been here since we laid you down a week ago. Of course it's not actually you since your not really here anymore but this is as close as I can get. I kneel down and trace my fingers across your name on the cold stone. "Loving husband and father. Forever in our hearts", it says. I feel myself start to cry once more when I place the envelope between some beautiful flowers that have been brought to you by your daughter. I sit beside you and close my eyes, not caring about the dirt that is staining my clothes. I imagine you being here with me and what you would do and say. How you'd smile that smile that made me fall in love with you all those years ago. How you'd tell stupid jokes trying to make me laugh. I sit here imagining all this until the sun goes down and it's time to go home. Maybe one day my grief won't be as strong and I won't have to come here everyday but for now I get into the car and drive away knowing that I'll be back tomorrow.