10/21/15 - wednesday 3:02 pm

i’m trying to remember. i look back and i try to remember what you used to say. what you used to do. nothing seems to make my memories come back. it’s like you’re a ghost. like you were never real. the restless nights spent crying are over. it’s been a year, and yet nothing seems to erase these feelings. i talked to an old friend today and he reminded me of how i had written on my hand the distance between us. i asked him how he remembered that and he said: “because it was the stupidest thing.“ i smiled because i knew he was right. i feel stupid looking back at it. it was stupid how attached i was. how attached i still am. despite everything, loving you isn't something i could ever regret. you're the one thing i would never regret.

10/23/15 - friday 9:23 pm

“you have been in every way all that anyone could be… if anybody could have saved me it would have been you.”

— virginia woolf

i bought a new book today. it brings me peace to read. i remember you’ve never read much which is actually completely absurd to me since you have such an open mind. the boy in the book, theodore finch, reminds me of you. the same black hair, same bad boy attitude, but not the same beautiful brown eyes. does finch have black hair? i can't remember. did i imagine it? was i trying to make him look like you? i honestly don't recall, and it bothers me a lot. he isn’t ordinary and neither are you and maybe that’s why i can’t bring myself to find someone else. it’s a really good book, you should read it sometime.

10/25/15 - sunday 7:33 am

i think i just found my new favorite book. i’m slowly discovering more about theodore finch and violet markey, the girl he falls in love with. they are interesting characters and despite being suicidal, theodore looks at things in such a sincere, beautiful way. i admire him the most. he’s so fascinated with death like he knows it better than anything else in the world, yet he looks at violet and he decides to live one more day each time so that he can see her smile. of course all that only happens in books and i’ve accepted that as i read it. i heard about the hurricane in mexico yesterday. for the first time in a long time, i prayed. i prayed for you, for your family. i promised myself that if you were safe, then i wouldn’t ask for anything else. i wouldn’t ask for you to be back. and today, i smiled as the reporter announced there were no deaths. the last time i’ve felt this kind of relief was precisely 8 months ago when i last got news from you. i wonder if you remember me.

somehow, i hope you still do.

10/26/15 - monday 5:21 pm

it’s raining today and i really like it. the sky is a light grey and the raindrops formed small puddles. sometimes, birds stop there drinking the water and then fly towards some place to spend the winter. i don’t understand why people would want to switch to a warmer place in the cold seasons. i love them so much. the leaves falling in the autumn, the pumpkin smell all over, people walking around carrying their umbrellas when it rains. maybe that’s just me. it doesn't rain much here though, and maybe that's why i feel so out of place. somehow, i cannot stop thinking that the new season will bring you back, even though i know it won't.

11/01/15 - sunday 3:43pm

my soul is tired. no matter how many cups of coffee i drink or how much i sleep. i now understand violet’s opinion on sleeping. it’s a waste of time. i’m exhausted, completely, mentally and physically tired. i haven’t read much lately. you’d think it’s because i’m busy, but it's not that. i don’t know why i haven’t been reading. i’m telling myself to grab the book but it’s no use. violet markey and theodore finch will have to wait. the problem is i feel everything doubled, and then i get the biggest weight to carry.

11/06/15 - friday 5:09 pm

i feel peaceful today. i still haven’t read more of the book, and i really wish i had the desire to pick it up and find out more. i am scared. i am scared for theodore finch because i’m certain he’s going to vanish and leave violet alone. kinda like us. i’m sure that reaching the end of the book will be forgetting you by each page i read. maybe it is. i still laugh when i think about how stupid this is. at how to stupid it is to be writing to you. i have so many questions for you and i don’t think i will find closure if you don’t answer them. maybe forgetting is the best option. i’m gonna grab that book.

11/10/15 - tuesday 8:10 pm

you’re not theodore finch. i tried to remind myself of that while i read. somehow, i couldn’t help but cry because, finch vanished and so did you, and so did violet and so did i. i am mad for letting you be such a big part of me. i can’t remember the last thing i said to you, or what you said to me. violet didn’t either. theodore perhaps, i think he remembered just fine. the difference between violet and i, is that she found the closure that i never got.
“i was alive.i burned brightly.and then i died,but not really. because someone like me cannot,will not,die like everyone else. i linger like the legends of the blue hole. i will always be here,in the offerings and people i left behind.”

i know you’re not dead, and this is all figurative, but it speaks up to me because, somehow, you will not die like everyone else. you are a legend. and you are here. you are here where you left me. you are here. and finch is too. and violet. and i.

i force myself to remember you at night, because only then i imagine finch in his dark place and how he would be pulled up by violet. and how i didn’t get the chance to pull you up or to hold on a little longer.when i think about you, at early hours of the day, my brain forces me to dream of you, and you’re here again.

11/27/15 - friday 3:37 pm

i never forgave violet for not realizing finch was being swallowed by the ground beneath him. i never forgave her for being buried so deep into her problems, and never noticing how destroyed he was. i never forgave her for being so selfish that she couldn’t see past her own nose. i realize now that i’m just like violet. i never noticed the small replies and the sadness you were going through. i never even stopped to think that you needed me there because i was so fucking desperate at the time that all i could see was my problems, because they felt bigger than everyone else’s. i hate your father. i hate him with all i have because he took you from me. because he hurt you so much. but i guess i’m no better than him.

04/20/16 - wednesday 6:45 pm

the flowers have started to grow. it’s spring, and the sun is out, even if it still rains sometimes. there’s a little bird that comes and stays in my backyard eating. sometimes, i give him grains of rice, and i think i’ve gained his trust because he always comes back. he sings and chirps in the morning and i really like him. how are you doing? i’ve been doing okay. i still haven’t found a way to contact you, or anyone that knows about you. the memories of you are starting to disappear and it’s scaring me a lot because it’s like you’re starting to disappear. everyone just pretends you were never here. i know they do it for my sake. i know they don't want to upset me by mentioning your name, but i wish that they would, in fact, do it so that i would know you were real and that we were real and that you weren't just a fraction of my imagination. that you had been here and that i had loved you. i know i loved you. i still do.

07/08/16 - friday 10:00 pm

it seems that when you left you took all that i had with you. after you went away, i found myself lost. i no longer talk to any of our old friends but that’s okay. i can’t really deal with people can i?

i haven’t been sleeping that good lately. i ran out of meds to help me but they never served their purpose anyway. i remember how you used to tell me that you couldn’t sleep and i never understood how degrading it was for you. i do now. i find myself taking little naps throughout the day. but that’s all they are. little. not permanent, or everlasting like i wish they were.

08/04/16 - thursday 4:16 pm

after you left, i didn’t want to talk to anyone. i didn’t have the strength to pretend it was alright and that i was going to be able to move on from you. i knew i wouldn’t. i guess after a while our conversations became gradually shorter, till we lost all contact. i have no one. why am i so alone? i am so tired of this life. i feel so goddamn empty. is this how it’s going to be all my life? am i always going to feel my heart beating this heavily? it feels like it’s pounding and about to burst and end. i feel sick to my stomach, and i can’t help but think this isn’t a life worth living. everything just fell apart and i’m tired. i just want some peace of mind.

i know that one day i will finally realize that this world is worthless and that we're all destined to be just worthless nothings and then, i'm gonna lose my will to be in it. and when you lose your will to be here, that becomes a big responsibility because you have to decide whether you stay or leave. i don't want to make that decision. especially because i know that i would choose wrong and i can't bear the thought of bringing that kind of grief to anyone that cares about me. especially you, despite not knowing if you even remember me.

08/25/17 - friday 11:27 pm

when/if you read this, i hope you're in a good place. i want this to be the most personal thing i have written to you as i feel it will be the last time i will sit here.

my love,

i realize today that the sadness will last forever, and i'm not nearly as in control of it as i seem. looking at the white of the walls in my tiny bedroom that i so learned to love, i admit i've had brief moments of happiness, most of which included you.

edge of desire by john mayor is playing in the background. a pile of my dirty clothes sits in the corner of my unmade bed, which i should have changed a few hours ago because my sheets are wet with tears. mom says she found me crying in my sleep during my nap this afternoon, but i don't recall any kind of nightmare as usually the nightmares start when i wake up.

my shelves are empty. i took all my books back and gave them to the school so that other kids can use them. all that sits there now are the little disney collection nana gave me when i was younger, and different kinds of books that i really like. there's a beautiful fake plant in a white little pot that i got at the euro store and i've grown to cherish it. i think about opening the window and let some fresh air in but for some reason i am unable to move and fulfill that desire.
wherever you are reading this right now, i want you to have a full life. i don't want you to constantly live in the past, or to be stuck in one page without ever reaching the end of the chapter and moving on to the next one.

baby, your life is only beginning and it is so full of surprises. so please, live it, cherish it, and wake up the next day to have a nice coffee and read the newspaper. when you go out say good morning to the grumpy neighbor and laugh when he, yet again, makes a stupid remark that makes you want to give him the middle finger. don't forget to live. don't become a victim of numbness in a world that is yours. you're in control and you're gonna live, and god, you're gonna have such a beautiful life. live. please just live and don't look back on anything.

i'm rooting for you, so make me proud.