It's different every time
Yet so similar in every way
Every detail
Everything is the same
Nothing is.
It's hard to express.
It's sad
It's not that nice
It hurts
It pushes you,,
It pushes you to your darkest place
It doubts you
The doubt starts reaching you
You start to weaken
You weaken for a moment.
You harm yourself out of anger.
You don't die because you want to live.
No matter what they say to make it better
It's as hard as it gets for that one minute when you're angry.
Then you release the anger.
I release it within harming my own self.
I never used to.
I thought I didn't but I've always done it.
I remember it clearly.
Since ever I wished to die.
I prayed for it.
I wanted to.
I couldn't.
I swear.
I promise.
I want to live. I have a dream.
I know that I have a future.
I know I'm worth it at least for me.
You might call me stupid.
I understand.
You don't get it.
Just like the death of someone.
It's so hard how your brain works against you.
How it changes the memories.
How no one sees YOU.
The things you need.
The pain.
The tolerable pain that is intolerable for that one moment.
It's hard, so hard.
It's awful.
It's sad.
It's devastating..
But it's me.
It's just me with color and spice.
But maybe you aren't into color and spice.
I get it.
I swear.
I promise.
-F.A.
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