Hi! My name is Lea. I am 15 years old, soon to be 16, and I pretty much have a good life! My hobbies are acting (which I plan to pursue as a career later on) and athletics which I have been training for 11 years but I will stop this year because of school. People call me a happy girl. Someone who always smiles, is always happy, enjoys life, and most importantly someone who loves herself. But as I said I plan to be an actress so I practice acting in my life daily. I wake up every day with a smile on my face, wishing my parents a good morning, going to the store, eating lunch later and going out with friends, laughing. But all of that is an act. Deep down inside of me I am not happy. I have developed some sort of depression and even tho I was not diagnosed with it, I can feel it inside of me growing and I am scared to ask for help. I first felt this way of depression when I switched schools in second grade. I loved reading and I did not fit in quite well with the crew. I remember a girl (we will call her Juliet) coming to me and asking me what my name is and I told her to stay away from me because I was scared that she is not going to like me. Later on, next time I felt depressed was a year later, when I was only 9 years old, when this guy from my class ( lets call him Jake), started bullying me together with Juliet and 3 more girls from my class. Juliet was a leader of a group, she always was, and if Juliet told them to hit me, or to run away from me, or to throw my things in the trash, they would do that. My mum found out about the problem and she spoke to the school. Sadly the bullying finished a year and a half later because that is how long the authority to stop 5 children. In 6th grade was the third time I met with depression. Juliet and I became best friends. We would go out everyday, we shared all of our secrets, and I started liking this guy ( who we will call Teo ). He and I were really good friends, we trained together, we would talk all the time, and all of that until he found out I liked him. After that Teo started to change. He began to bully me every time we had a training. He would insult me, call me ugly, and fat, and told me that he hates me and that nobody will ever love me. It came to the point where he would even hit me and I would not defend because I liked him to much so I let him walk all over me. I began to scratch myself with my nails to blood even, and Juliet managed to pull me out of there. She helped me trough the whole 7th and 8th grade to build my confidence and I am forever thankful to her for that.
Now that was really hard because I was always so jealous of her because she was so beautiful and all of the guys liked her! And that jealousy is sadly still here today after 4 years. I was actually really happy those next 2 years and I loved them so so much ah... And then I started high school which turned out to be a hell for me. There were guys who started calling me fat again and who took away all of that self confidence that it took me 2 years to build. Mean while a year before that we found out my dad has cancer which killed me inside. My mother started putting all of her frustrations on me and later on my dad started doing that as well... that also killed me inside. I started believing what the mirror told me. For myself I was ugly and nobody would ever like me. Around January I started having feelings for my best friend (let us name him Drew) who also went to elementary and middle school with me. He and I would talk everyday and go out with friends every weekend and I fell so hard for him. When he would smile I would smile as well and his hugs became the safest place in the world. 15.4. is that date when he had our first kiss but he said he just wanted to be friends. That is when I started feeling this depression again. Lucky for me I guess a week after that we kissed again. And then his ex found out about it( she was my friend) and she told him that I was the one who told her ( which sadly was a part of the truth) and he got mad at me. We have not spoke form 1.5. until 1.6. 2017 and that whole month I spend crying and missing him so so much. When we finally made up he said we are over and that we will never be again. He broke his word 9 days after when we kissed again and it was the best feeling in the word. We started going out and we were doing things people in relationships would do as well but the difference was that we never called us boyfriend and girlfriend. I remember liking him so much and we were laying in the middle of the woods on the towel that I had because it was big enough for both of us and we were making out, touching each other and we had a condom that I gave him 2 weeks before that and he would always bring it with him. He asked me am I ready for the big one, the big step and I said yes. We did not end up having sex and I still am a virgin which now I am kind of glad but then I really wanted that. We did not have sex because he could not figure out how to put a condom..... A month later we broke up. We came from this camp we go to every year and our best friend told me that he wants to dump he so I decided to dump him first. After that that feeling of depression just showed up again and it did not leave this time... I felt so empty without him and from last Friday I am crying every day. I do not like myself and I am suicidal. I think everyday what if I just cut my veins and finish with all of the pain. 5 days ago I told him that and he told me he cares and what not. Next day he did not even ask me am I better. I ended up telling Juliet as well and I showed her the razor I carried in my wallet... She took it and threw it away. My "friends" Drew, Juliet and some more of them, we make those barbecues from time to time. I told her Drew and our best friend ( who we will call Toni) did not invite me. I ended up telling all of this to my friend ( name her Aniqua) and she told me that I am over reacting and that I am fine and that my new friends I found ( who must be the best people in the world, and who also struggle with depression as well and who I love so much) are trash all to one and that it is their fault I am like this and that all of my friends hate when I say that nobody loves me ( because this depression makes me feel this way) and that they all decided together that they do not want me to come to this barbecue they are making.... It fucking broke my heart..... I was not this hurt even when Drew and I finished. My own friends, people who I grew up with, who I spend my whole childhood with that they would do that.
That is mostly that from me. I will post on Fridays stories that I had with all of those people, and I will call it Flash back Fridays w/ LEA
Every 2 weeks on Sundays I will post the progress and what happened in my life in those 2 weeks, and all my feelings <3
Thank you for reading this and I hope my stories will help someone!