I tried to be calm. I tried to be organized and happy about everything. About my home, my family, just about everything I have. But there is something, something that won't let me breath. I never understood when somebody said that they are afraid of something like a very scary book or something else. The truth is that we are not afraid of it we just don't like it. The truth is that we are afraid of ourselves. We are afraid of what we could do to ourselves or what we could do to each other. We are afraid of humanity. I think I was in fifth grade when my depression started .I know that it was just a phase of pure sadness and It was kind of ridiculous saying that I was depressed but after one year it got worse and it ended with a strong depression. It was really hard to get over it but I made it. And that is my biggest fear ,my secret. I'm afraid of myself. I'm afraid of what it did and I don't know if I could do it again. We have to deal with our fears every day and every night. Sometimes I was so afraid of myself and my depression,that I couldn’t look away from my arms. I felt the pain that I felt when I hurt myself. For a moment I thought that I would really hurt myself but I didn't.You can see now that we all have to deal with something. We have to deal with our biggest fear everytime. But sometimes there's this little moment which shows us an another way. In this moment we can be free and happy. Because fear is the beginning of happiness. Without fear,without sadness we couldn't live. Emotions are like humans. They need each other although they are completely different.

I´m so happy I wrote that down. Sometimes it helps getting over things by writing them down.