Can we get away? Just run away from this place? I don't know. But maybe one day I will get the answer I hope for.

Can you remember your first time in my neighbor's pool? You were so afraid of desire that it still fascinates me in some kind of way. The water was so cold but baby we could barely felt it because we were so warm into each other's bodies. You told me I was your first but I just smiled because I knew. I was capable of seeing the burning desire in your eyes. Innocence lost.

But I won't look back.

Today when I see my neighbor in his pool I can't help but hide a laugh. Memories from that night still haunt me in my dreams or nightmares… I'm still not very sure. One thing I'm sure of is that I left my mark on you.

I should look forward.

Every time I see you with her it is like being betrayed or being stabbed. But I know you love her in a kind of way you could never love me. But it's okay, I don't hold grudges. Even though you don't wanna admit it I know better that she doesn't have the same smell I have, the fragrance you loved so much on me. She doesn't have the same soft skin nor the full lips I have, the same ones that kissed you uncountable times in hidden places. That was a delirium.

But don't look back.

Remember when you were with her that night at the bar and I showed up and we made out in a disgusting bathroom? I must say it was my best make out. The way you held me in that sink and made me still was so sensual. I knew you weren't that little pure and innocent boy anymore and desire has taken over your veins. The way your lips kissed my neck and the shivers down my spine… I still have them from time to time. Nobody caught us. That was the rush.

Look forward.

We were strangers. Nothing more but nothing less either. If that hurts? I couldn't care less. Actually I really don't give a single fuck for you or your feelings or your wellbeing. The one thing I'm focused on is the pleasure I want to take from your body. I'm using you, I always was but you were too much of an innocent to notice and that turned me on so bad.

Remember the taste of my lips.

It was just a normal heat night in august and my parents left for vacation… I was all alone and with a distance of a call you were there in seconds. We made sex in my bed all night. But this time was different, more wild, savage, so primitive. The way our bodies fit together it was like a resolved puzzle. Then I said I've always had the fantasy to do it in the kitchen and we did it, we fucked in the cold floor. Then in the shower. We almost never had time to catch our breaths. Such an endless night for both of us.

Are you insane like me?

Remember the night we discovered our fathers were related because of some company business and we had to have dinner together? All our families united to celebrate such thing. We were caught in the middle of it. And when your dad presented you to me I had to control my laugh and tried to be serious. I had to pretend I didn't knew you. The look on your face was priceless. Because I actually never had the chance to really meet you. And that hit me hard. Even though I didn't took the opportunity. I ran away that night for you not to found me. And you didn't because you never really wanted to. Tragedy.

This voices don't leave me alone.

High school was over and I could not be more content with the fact that I would never had to see that face yours one more time. Never again. I promised myself I would forget about your existence. Like if you never even had been in my life. And for a month everything was okay until we met in my family lake house. Apparently our fathers planned that holidays. I was so over you.

Ghost.

After a week of avoiding your presence with jogging early in the morning, hiking during the afternoon and swimming in the lake latter at night… I couldn't take it anymore because you were always on the phone with your stupid girlfriend saying how much you missed her and wanted to be with her so bad. I didn't want to admit to myself that I was a bit jealous. Jealously is a sin. But so is cheating. And we were equal somehow. Lovely.

What happened to the soul you used to be?

It was just another depressing night swimming while everybody was inside sleeping. I was floating above the water when I heard a noise of something cracking. So cliché. Like in the horror movies. But I was a little afraid. Then I heard a splash. I tried to get myself out but something grabbed me and throw me inside the lake.
When I reached the surface I saw your face and you were laughing. I mean laughing. I punched you and called you a bunch of things that I’m not aloud to mention. Trying to make the way out of the water I felt you harms around my waist holding me. You asked me to stay something that you never did before, you'd always let me go and I would never stay.
But this time it was different and I could feel it. And you kissed me and I kissed you. Eventually I stopped when I knew what was really happening. I didn't wanted to be the second option anymore. I told him that but he said he couldn't break up with her just because of me. Just because of you – he said. And that's when I felt the most real pain that I've never felt before. Dead line.

I'm searching for something I can't reach.

College. I was so ready for it after the disastrous holidays. Getting drunk, going to parties, hang out with new people and have sex with guys, one every night. I was not happy, I was really far away of what happiness felt like but at least I was not crying like another depressed teenager. I wanted to move forward and that's what I did.

Because with or without you I've learned that I can still breathe, the earth is still spinning… And getting over you is a priority that I have settled.

– JudithTR