I'm lucid in a dream that does not tolerate lucidity.
My clarity of mind has all the symptoms of mental disease.
Dis–ease.
Dis—ease...

I do what seems to be walking down a street.
My numbed thoughts, the stagnancy in the summer air, the buzzing noises of the street — everything reaches my senses like a dream I cannot wake up from.
Scattered bits of empty conversations float to the surface of my consciousness, and I drop them before they manage to make any sense. I recognize my tedium in all I see, like a bubble that encompasses everything and has no end, and thus — no way of escaping it.

The familiar dark heaviness resides in me and taints with sluggishness everything I look at.
...and suddenly — Paralysis! — Ah what paralysis stagnates my being!
I feel a latent terror that's amplified by my increasing awareness of it. My anguished consciousness swirls like a madman in desperate attempts to escape itself.
...Until lastly, with a dismal thud, all effort is dumped into the futility of surrender.
I am in a purgatory of no relief.

The absurdity of having to BE... It's vexing me like a wearisome task I am doomed to face endlessly and never get away from. I stretch in my agony, like an infinitesimal that longs for nothingness, and yet has nowhere to run from its eternally stretching fate.

*****
Monotony made visible languidly pours from the lamp. Innate laziness prevents it from wandering too far into the room, and so it concentrates around its source like an elderly that is convinced of having seen everything and seeks no adventure. I just finished scribbling today's impressions on a sheet of paper, and it lies in front of me — useless as all of life.

Why do I even write?

Whatever I write has meaning as long as I don't write it. Every action has a purpose, before we actually take it, and arrive at the same place — the hopeless futility of everything.

...The ghostly, invisible heaviness condenses more and more into the pen I'm holding, and I drop it, like I wish I could drop my consciousness.

© Louisa Mkrtchyan
http://weheartit.com/iabsxnce

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