today i am feeling sorry for myself.

why is it that the success of others makes me feel damp, and heavy?
i feel terrible about it, because i am happy for them. Or at least i think i'm trying to be happy for them.
but i feel incapable and inadequate,
i feel like in comparison to everyone else, i am the shorter blade of grass. they're all swaying in the breeze, creating a beautiful pattern of swells and calms,
and i'm here.
lost amongst them.

i go through times of thinking that if i work really hard i will achieve something great. and i have gotten close.
at the start of this year i tried out for the main lead in my school musical. i honestly thought it was going so well, and the thing is that it was. the teachers seemed happy with me, and i was even one of the four girls that got callbacks. i had worked so hard, and i mean so hard. i had practiced the accent, practiced my singing beyond belief, and heck, i even practiced performing it in front of my soft toys on multiple occasions.
and then i didn't get the role. i didn't even get a lead. i cannot tell you how hard it was to go to school and to face people in that time. even though i knew that it just depended on circumstances and there not being a lead character that suited me perfectly, nonetheless it hurt so much to go to the first rehearsal of the musical watching another person perform the role that felt so deeply as if it were my own.

yes, i did learn to turn it into a positive. i encouraged my friend (who had gotten the lead role) and i made sure that she could do the best job possible. even though it was of course hard to watch her succeed instead of me, i did love her and i wanted the best for her. i became vocal captain, and i made sure i was involving myself. the teachers tried to give me as many little roles as they could where possible, and for that i was grateful.

even though it all turned out peachy, there will always be some hesitance in feeling like i am okay enough for something. especially in this type of area.
for example, even little things like drama teachers recognising more talent or more potential in someone else instead of you. or when your friends have these amazing opportunities in performance that you feel you would never 'fit' into.
it really does make me feel like my life will be vicariously lived through them.

this is only one instance, but today it felt a bit like i reopened those wounds and i just reminded myself of all of this. of course i resorted to humour to laugh about it all, but deep down i am feeling sorry for myself.
it makes me feel petty. and whiny. but we all have those moments when it seems as if nothing will come your way, even when you thought you had the most chance of it actually happening for once.

but, things will move and pass on, and blades of grass will grow and sway in their own rhythm.
i think that's the most important thing to take away from this.

x.