I don’t know what I am doing. I’m not sure that anyone really does but if you do, please tell me your secret. I’m constantly questioning myself and what I want out of life or even what I want out of a specific day. I’ve wasted a lot of my ‘fun’ years overthinking and at war with my own mind. Thinking I’m totally badass one minute to thinking I’m a complete loser the next. I promised myself I could let loose for a second so the next two paragraphs are just me wollowing in my own self pity. Feel free to skip 🙂

I graduate college in two months and have no idea what I’m going to do. I hate my degree and I’m 99% sure I won’t find a job with it or a job thats worth a shit anyways. It’s a Management degree by the way and yes, it is as boring as it sounds. I couldn’t finish my medical coding certificate because I mentally can’t handle reading about illness every day without thinking that I have one. I quit my current job to travel with my boyfriend only to come to a realization that that life may not be for me, that he may not be for me, also that I can’t even afford to live that way if I wanted to. You tell me what kind of career I am supposed to have traveling every 3 months with a bs degree and no experience?

I refuse to work a job that is miserable either but I don’t feel like there is much choice with the degree I chose, so I’m counting down the days until the search for my own personal cubicle hell (64 days to be exact). I would love working in a creative field but feel that it’s too saturated to really make it financially. I spend countless hours working my brand on Pinterest and a blog that almost no one reads and that I contemplate deleting every day. I gave up my beautiful, little home that my dad helped to renovated for me to move in with my boyfriend (shittiest daughter award, I know). I’m hauling off walnuts to save Christmas money, can’t find a job, running on the last bit of my savings and living in my parents basement. Sounds pretty glamorous, right?

Safe to say, I’ve made enough mistakes for the year. Ok pity party over.

I’m not too prideful to admit that I am totally lost. I don’t know what I’m good at, what I like, or who I am. Do other people know these things? When it feels like everyone around you has it all together besides you, it totally sucks. I feel happy for them, don’t get me wrong but I always find myself wishing I had more of that feeling. Is this part of the life process? Please say yes and that I’m not absolutely crazy. What’s crazy is that you can look at people close to you and can really see them but I can never really see yourself. Like you see the things they’re good at, things they really enjoy, and their true beauty that they will never be able to see in themselves from the eyes of someone else.

Sometimes, I think about my ‘problems’ and have to take a step back and realize that many people have it so much worse. I know that. I feel bad for even feeling sorry for myself over the most simple bs, when there are people out there who are starving and homeless. I am so blessed and privileged beyond belief. In the midst of this, I step back and find gratitude in my daily life. There is SO much to be thankful for. So much to live for, even when everything seems like a wreck and you don’t know wtf is going on.

It is so easy to get caught up in life and worldly petty issues. It’s easy to feel like the world is just out to attack you specifically, crush your dreams, and like nothing is ever going right. It’s easy to get caught up in the the things you suck at or things you wish you had or a life you wish you had. But you can have anything you want and that is often forgotten.

When we put so much time into focusing on the things we don’t have or the people that we wish we were, we are sacrificing true happiness in what we already have and how fucking awesome we already are. You are unique for a reason. You are who you are for a reason. You have something to give this world that no one else does. You have talents and interests that are so unique from anyone else, even if you aren’t yet sure what they are just yet.

You can have anything that you want out of life, but you are going to have to work your ass off to get there. You can’t expect things to be handed to you on a silver platter, like the world owes you something. Because it doesn’t and it never will. Don’t be that person. You were given a life. Isn’t that enough? You are given the freedom to be whoever the hell you want to be, which is something that should never be overlooked but something that typically is.

Each day is a blank canvas that you can create however you want to. The past doesn’t matter and neither does the future, all you are ever promised is right now. I think a lot of times we are so afraid to try new things because were so afraid of failure or being bad at something. We’re so afraid of committing our lives to things or making a decision for fear we won’t make the right choice or like were wasting our precious time here on Earth on only one thing. Really you’re wasting time making decisions and mapping out every move, instead of just doing it, living your life and enjoying what is presented right in front of you. You would be surprised at how much more life you’d have time for if you would get out of your own head.

Sometimes, I think what were most afraid of is figuring our lives out because once we do, the game is over. That is why we truly aren’t capable of doing so. Why we are always questioning ourselves and trying to find a meaning or purpose. We question our own happiness and try to find ways to fill the gaps in our lives and put the pieces together. We spend so much time trying to figure out what makes us happy or who we are instead of enjoying the present moment. We miss the opportunities to truly appreciate the people in our lives, our experiences, our opportunities, and the small joys that life has to offer. Because thats really all life is about. These moments won’t last forever.

So instead of wasting your life searching, deciding, planning, wishing, and wanting, step back for a minute to reflect and have gratitude for your life as it is. What you have now. Embrace the uncertainty of what is going to happen in your life. Embrace who you are and every single flaw that you have. Appreciate those who love you and get rid of those who don’t. You don’t have to classify your hobbies in a box. Instead, fill your life with things you love to do and forget about what you no longer enjoy. You are growing and changing every single day, so will your interests.

Take time to use the talents that God so graciously blessed you with. And if you aren’t sure what they are, take time to yourself to try things you have been interested in. Be a nice person because everyone is going through hard times too, not just you. Don’t overthink too much about what you are here to do or supposed to be doing, instead do what you feel in your heart every single day.

If we spend our life occupied by planning and trying to figure things out, we will miss the really amazing opportunities that are knocking at our door. Cut yourself some slack, cut other people slack and just live a life that you are happy with. Because at the end of the day, thats the only thing that matters and the only thing that you are ever going to really be in control over.

“For what it’s worth: it’s never to late to be whoever you want to be. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. And if you find that you’re not, I hope that you have the strength to start over.” -F. Scott Fitzgerald

Below I have listed a few things that I am grateful for right now and I encourage you to do the same. I often find that it helps me slow down and really uncover and appreciate the wonderful things that I already possess.

10 Things I am grateful for:

-A God that forgives and gives me more chances than I deserve
-My wonderful parents and brother that always support me
-To be blessed enough to get an education and learn new things
-I am breathing
-I am healthy
-I am able to exercise and do things I love every day
-My dog who is always happy to see me and offers me unconditional love
-I am able to spend time weekly with the people that I love
-My needs are met and I can afford necessities
-I am free to be whoever I choose to be

If you have made it this far, thank you so much for reading. Sorry for the excessive word vomit but it was something that I felt lead to write about today. I hope everyone has a wonderful Friday and weekend ❤

With love, Danielle

Visit my Blog:

https://daniellecollison.wordpress.com/2017/10/06/thoughts-on-life-self-discovery/

:)