How does sitting at home after long time feel? i have always felt much more liberated back at home even though now my hostel room can be termed my home too. Where i am alone. Shouldn't i feel more liberated there ? where i have the whole place to myself . I have been struggling with myself lately and nothing seems to replace this gnawing feeling of failure inside of me. I am filled with self doubt and this constant surety that i will fail. One of the reasons is that I've been looking back and regretting too much. Even though each day i think i'll not cry over past ignorance and mistakes in decisions, i still end up doing that. It is not that i don't know why i am doing it. Doing what i am doing is much easier than bucking up, getting the fuck over it and doing something concrete or even different." Isn't that what i've always done? taking the easier convenient path?" i often end up accusing myself and well the circle goes on.
People often say that having a dream or an aim and not being able to fulfill it due to reasons like lack of support or money or whatever is tragic. Well not having a dream is tragic too. I see these passionate people who have some goals and vision for something they truly believe in , and i think man that is so satisfying. I think what i am left with is some false hope because me myself will have to make changes to to get better.
Hope. Isn't that something worth clinging on to ? Well every night i sleep with nothing but that. Even though i tend to loose it sometimes, i try to keep it near if not with me. I think that keeps me sane enough to get up everyday.That and you know that voice too.... heart say piece of shit but Mumma says no. Hah! Bholi Maa loves us too much.
I try to hang onto something new everyday. Like today this beautiful beautiful song made me write......
phir le aaya dil majboor kya keeje
raas na aaya rehna door kya keeje
dil keh raha use maqammal kar bhi aao
wo jo adhoori si baat baaki hai
wo jo adhoori si yaad baaki hai

karte hain hum aaj qubool kya keeje
ho gayi thi jo humse bhool kya keeje
dil keh raha use mayassar kar bhi aao
wo jo dabi si aas baaki hai
wo jo dabi si aanch baaki hai

kismat ko hai yeh manzoor kya keeje
milte rahe hum badastoor kya keeje
dil keh raha hai use musalsal kar bhi aao
wo jo ruki si raah baaki hai
wo jo ruki si chaah baaki hai.

The meaning is most beautiful when understood in its purest form.
The song talks about the helpless heart and is so melodious and touching that i am in love with it. I am clinging to it today . What are you clinging to ?