When did relationships become this hard ?

As the phone conversation was about to end with my girl-friends, I couldn’t help but wonder about my relationships. Six years playing. Countless dates. Three real relationships. One serious. All ending in breakups. If I were a ballplayer, I’d be a batter, the worst you’d ever know.

I started something with my ex’s best friend two months ago as I mentioned in my previous post. You can read it here. Ignoring all what my friends warned me about.

And today, here are the results:

We broke up a week ago
We don’t talk anymore.
And we created tensions on the whole group.
And because at the end of yet another failed relationship, when all you have are wounds and self-doubt, you got to ask yourself. And the questions are: Was it worth it? Yes. Was it a mistake? Yes. Would I do it again? Yes. Even knowing it hurts at the end? Definitely yes!

My point is; our mistakes define our destinies. Without them, what would shape our lives? We would never have fallen in love and never be who we are now. I mean, yes we broke up, and he said many stupid things after this just for the sake of being mean, using my past and my stories, the stories he once craved to know. But later on that night, I started thinking: At what point, our past, our old experiences and telling our stories became something we should and have to hide from the person who’s sharing a part of our lives? Is it a kind of a rule written on a sacred book that we just have to follow without asking if it’s the right thing to do or not? When did relationships become this hard?

When I look at my friends, I see that I’ve always considered relationships differently. And sharing our mutual experiences had always been normal to me. Telling our stories, for me, is not an end in itself, but an attempt to release ourselves from them, to evolve and grow beyond them together. In a relationship, we share our feelings, our bodies, our friends, our time, and we stop ourselves to tell our stories not to be judged, misunderstood, afraid of what the other will think if he knows this or that. What about the acceptance the way you are, what about going beyond the defects and the flaws, what about embracing each other’s imperfections and respecting one’s choices? Aren’t having those conversations, the way to learn more about each other’s past, history, personality and discovering our common values.

I’ve been in many relationships before, and I’ve never censored myself. I’ve always talked freely about who I am and what I lived, unaware of what’s deemed appropriate to tell and what’s not. And I won’t give up this. Not for nothing on earth. It’s a part of who I am and the way I think. And knowing that maybe one day, someone else may use my words against me, to make me feel bad about myself doesn’t bother me.

If things aren’t what we want them to be and if they didn’t go the way we want them to, does it mean that we shouldn’t try a second, and a third time.

So yes, I’ll be making more mistakes, after all, the seasons change, and all the pieces of the puzzle end up in their places … Just live the moment and know that everything happens for a reason. Love, make mistakes, have a good time, but never forget who you are, where you intend to go and most importantly, where you come from.

@oumaimabodach