first article on we heart it

Have you ever felt like the word different is tattooed on your forehead? Anywhere you go people notice you but they do not get close, and you wonder if there is something wrong with you. If you are not that person then I am pretty sure you know someone if you think about it hard enough.

I have always been that person, ever since preschool I have never been able to fit in, I did have a friend then and I did not know the differences between people because I was so little. So does that count? Anyways, I have been told and I remember particular occasions in preschool when I never spoke to the teachers, I was simply shy. I would point at the stuff I wanted and yes I had full ability to speak. I would only speak to my friends and my family, if that. I remember a moment where my teacher heard me talk to my mum and I felt so embarrassed. I was embarrassed because someone heard me speaking.

When I started elementary school I had the same friends but soon into the year I had lost them. I did speak to the teachers by now and I was not as quiet as I was before. I started to notice how everyone around me would be able to fight someone back while I was always in the background. To my nearest I was simply shy, and that might have been the case. But I could already feel the needles in my forehead creating an unwanted word. I did feel different when I only had friends from other grades, I did feel different when people laughed and left me out of games till a teacher had to literally force them to let me play with them.

Other people have always forced other people to hang out with me. To the point that when I was twelve I had given up on making friends that would last more than a few weeks. So 7th grade was spent on a bench with a book and loneliness in hand. With the tattoo faint on my forehead I had found comfort in the loneliness and did not cry anymore I simply enjoyed my own company. But something was wrong, I always thought about what everyone thought of me when I sat alone, I would hold my laugh in many occasions because I thought my laugh was unacceptable. Not because anyone had ever told me that though. I was very insecure and my voice was simply not good enough to be listened to. The worst thing I did though was to accept these feelings. I was twelve and I thought that was normal but now when I look back I know it is not, I was not like other kids running around and being noisy. I was different.

High school, by now I have been self-harming for two years and I hate my reflection in the mirror. I am either a victim of society or a very lost teenager. I did not have a bad childhood so that does not make sense right? I was never traumatised so that does not make sense right? Well... it does not to me either. I have many times thought about why I had started all along, did I really want to be more odd than I already am? I was never bullied, right? wrong. I was bullied, by myself by the interpretations I make of others simple glance and few words. I have been abusing myself since birth.

I walk around the hallways with a tattoo on my forehead that says different. everyone sees it, or so it seems because they never want to give me more than a glance. I have friends but most of the time I just want to be alone because that is the only way I feel calmness and peace. I have learned to be independent, I have been friendless at heart for a bit over 4 years and I am very okay with it because now I am not scared to be left. I am not afraid to be alone, I have survived it once and I will survive it again and again.

thank you for reading,
different, bisexual, self-harming 16 years old girl