I'm that kind of person who worries way too much about everything and i feel like my all time crush is like a rock for me. She makes me feel very safe and happy, even though she doesn't even notice it. She knows about my feelings for her because i told her once.

She visited me because my mom wanted us to study together for our big math test that was coming up. My mother was really nervous about it, because in the back of her mind, i think, she thought i would fail or something.
Anyway, she come over my place. It didn't took her long because she lives near me; just a few train stations away. I knew already before she arrived that i was gonna confess my feelings to her. I planned it a week ahead. How can i say it her? How would she react? What would she say? What if she hasn't the same feelings as me? What if she does? To be honest, a month before i confessed i was so confident about her having a crush on me like i had a crush on her. I was so happy about it; very silly of me, i know.
She was always that kind of girl who was nice to everyone, and especially shy. But God she was so cute and i love her so much. And I think that's why i thought she would have feelings for me. Maybe i mistakenly mixed being nice with "I love you too".

The Moment came. I had to confess. From one second to the next my heart beat changed. My heart was beating faster and stronger. It was the only thing i could hear in this very moment. I almost thought she could hear my heart beat too. And then i opened my mouth and said it. I explained to her that i was falling for someone. Her first guess was a friend of mine who got a lot of secret crushes that she didn't knew about. I giggled a little bit because she would have been the last person whom i would fall for. I told her that it was her. I almost chocked. A little tear came up but i suppressed it. She didn't saw it. A few moments ago i was still texting, in front of my crush, with a friend of mine about what i was gonna tell her in the next second.
She was speechless. We didn't said anything, which was totally fine for me. "I only saw you as a friend. I didn't knew you had feelings for me." that's what she said to me. the exact same words. I never thought that she would hate me for it or anything because she was a very understandable person. Neither i thought we would still be friends.

Nothing happened after that. We continued our lives as usual. The winter break was coming so i thought it would be the perfect opportunity to get over her. Here is me talking about the event which happened almsot a year ago. I wish she would have asked me something, like "How was it for you to deal with it for two year?". She never asked anything, just took what i gave her and walked away. It made me sad and angry at the same time but i couldn't get angry with her. I love her so dearly.

So much has changed since then and i still wish that she would come to me one day or look at me the way i look at her. I could cry right now. I love her and the closest thing i could be to her was a friend. Maybe not even a friend because i think she got her two other ones who always are with her. I sit in second row on the right side if you enter the room. She seats in the last row on the left side. That's the only time i see her. How can you be so close to a person and then drift so much apart? It was all my fault. I hate myself for it. I love you. I simply wished you would too.

You had long straight black hair. Beautiful brown eyes. A Soul that could never be replaced with someone else. I love you. And i could say it a milion times. I love you, Vivian.