Hi everyone,

Today, I'll tell you something personal about myself. I'll talk about my anxiety. Hopefully I'm not the only one with these kinds of anxiety. But remember: you are worth it and don't ever let anyone tell you something else. I guess anxiety is hard to understand for people who doesn't have a kind of anxiety. But never be ashamed of it, they don't know whats going on in our minds. They don't know there's a war in our mind sometimes.

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My anxiety

It's hard too explain, because sometimes I don't even know it myself. It's like your nervous for no reason. Something you aren't able to explain. But I'll try...

I've always had a little anxiety. I used to check if things were right. Just to be sure nothing will happen when I'm asleep. I used to check if the frontdoor was locked, our pets got enough to eat, the alarm clock was set and more. But crazy enough,this doesn't even bother me that much. What bothers me the most is my anxiety in relationships (with my ex-boyfriend and good friends) with people I really care about. In my relationship with my ex-boyfriend I felt constantly guilty about literally everything. Even the smallest things. For example: when I was staring at a boy, I felt guilty because, in my opinion, I wasn't allowed to do that when I'm in a relationship. I needed to tell these things to my ex-boyfriend. Just because he had the choice: keep me or leave me. I wanted to be honest, so he would be able to leave me if he didn't like what I did (staring at the boy). These kind of thoughts were constantly running through my head. I felt really bad. I wasn't able to handle these kind of thoughts.

Today the day, I'm still fighting these thoughts. I'm unable to have a love relationship. But I have a really good friend who is able to handle my struggles and thoughts. I still feel like I'm not good enough, and my friend deserves a better friend. And I feel guilty all the time about the smallest things. I keep asking myself things like: what if I said this wrong, what if I didn't mean what I said, what if I said that to get my friend's attention. It's really exhausting. Sometimes I feel like I go mad. Sometimes it's too much. Especially when I get that nervous feeling.

Social anxiety

I guess I have a kind of social anxiety, because I get nervous when the phone rings. I really don't like to call people. My mother always calls to make my appointments. I don't like situations I don't know. If friends ask me to with them, I quit. I make up pretexts so I don't have to go. Going out with friends make me nervous. I only like to go out with my parents, or with people I''m 100% comfortable with. I just want things and situations to be allright. I don't like to keep lectures/presentations in school. That makes me nervous.

I really got nervous when I have to ask strange people things. And when I'm outside, I try to avoid people, so I don't have to say hi. I'm scared of what people will say and react on me. Sometimes I really wish I could live a normal life like anyone else. Sometimes I wonder why other people aren't that nervous at all for meeting new people or speaking in public. Like am I the only one?

meme quotes

It's so much harder for me than it seems.
It's a battle, I'm not able to win.

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Psychologist

Tomorrow, I'll meet my psychologist for the second time. I hope he's able to help me, because I get tired of it. It has an affection on my life, and I want to get off it.

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[ Almost everything ]

Excuses

My excuses for my bad English. I'm from The Netherlands. I don't speak English very well, but I tried my best.

Thanks

This was a short version of my anxiety story. Thanks for reading.

PLEASE HEART THIS IF YOU RECOGNIZE YOURSELF IN MY STORY